Jan. 16, 2026
Best Guests. Best Advice. From 2025.
Send us your feedback here: biteyourtonguepodcast@gmail.com or give us a ring at 719-347-1106. Tell us what is on your mind. On to today's episode:
Happy New Year. We’re kicking off a new season with a best-of compilation of expert advice from 2025, focused on one thing: building healthier relationships with adult children. This episode brings together the most effective, field-tested tools from last season’s most impactful conversations—practical shifts in language, mindset, and boundaries that truly change the tone at home.
You’ll hear guidance on listening without fixing, navigating money and gifts, welcoming partners, easing tension through simple communication tweaks, and more.
We’re also launching our new listener phone line. We hope all of you will call to share their stories, ideas, episodes they liked or did not like. We'd like to begin answering these questions in each episode. So give us a call now at
719-347-1106.
Please follow us on social media now. It helps us so much.
Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.
The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.
00:06 - Welcome And Season Seven Kickoff
00:44 - Introducing The Listener Phone Line
01:33 - Practical Tips From Last Season
02:32 - Toder On Expectations And Listening
03:52 - Nonverbal Signals And Awareness
04:48 - Money, Gifts, And Motivation
06:23 - Grandparenting Priorities With Davis
08:12 - Making The Best Of Distance
09:12 - Welcoming Partners With Curiosity
11:27 - Friendship, Vulnerability, And Trust
13:18 - Emotional Immaturity And Validation
15:19 - Helping Kids Be Their True Selves
17:16 - Playing The Long Game With Gibson
19:10 - Tannen On Implied Criticism
WEBVTT
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Hello everyone and welcome to Bite Your Tongue the Podcast, where we talk about the hard, honest stuff that comes with parenting adult children and how to build healthier relationships along the way.
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I'm Denise Gorant, and I really can't believe it's 2026, and we're heading into our get this listeners, our seventh season.
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I just want to do a quick shout out to our incredible audio engineer, Connie Gorant Fisher.
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She's been with me this whole ride from the beginning.
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Thanks so much, Connie.
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Now, a new year often brings reflection, intention, and a few deep breaths when it comes to our relationships with our adult kids.
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This season we're shaking things up just a bit.
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And the very first change starts with you.
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We now have a direct phone line to the podcast.
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Instead of emailing us, we want to hear your voice.
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Your voice.
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Call us at 719-347-1106.
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That's 719-347-1106.
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We want this number to be your direct line to share with us the issues you might be having and also your successes.
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We want to build a community.
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Let us know what resonates with you from the podcast and let us know what does not work.
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We will try to use as many of your messages in upcoming episodes as we can.
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A quick heads up though, it does take a few rings before it picks up.
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So hang in there.
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We promise it's worth the wait.
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Anyway, today's episode is a perfect way to kick off the new year.
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We've selected some quick practical tips from a look back at the moments and ideas we loved most from last season.
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So take a deep breath, settle in, and let's get started.
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One of my favorites comes from one of our latest episodes, dropped on December 12th, with Francine Toder.
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She's a clinical psychologist and author of Your Kids Are Grown, Parenting Part 2.
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This interview really resonated with me.
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But my favorite part was this.
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For starters, we have dreams and then we have expectations, but it isn't theirs.
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We may have imagined and maybe even played out our hopes in our imagination, but they're in a life stage where there are more pressing needs and worries than having a relationship with mom or dad, and they may take that for granted.
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Whereas it might be a priority in your life and you want to fix things and help them and care about their decision making, they may not want to hear that from you.
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And sometimes it's perceived as intrusion or demand.
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And that's the worst thing that can happen at that time.
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Just basically, when you hear their pain, listen to it.
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Try to understand it.
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Try not to argue with it.
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Try not to say yes, but try not to fix it.
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Just be with them.
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Another one I really like came from Toder as well.
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Here she is.
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Make sure that while your words are saying one thing, your nonverbal message isn't saying something else, isn't condescending.
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Sometimes if we're talking to them and they're trying to make a point about who they are, where they're going, what they're trying to do, we're kind of biding our time, waiting for the next word to come out, got our arms crossed.
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We really show impatience, and that doesn't help anything.
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Awareness is the first step.
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Notice that you're doing this.
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Get feedback from someone who's there as a third party observing so that you can do something about it.
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I hate to do three in a row from the same person, but I did like Francine Toder.
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And I like the way she talked about giving money and gifts.
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It's important for us to remember this.
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This is what Francine says.
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When you give your kids money, you have to stop and say, as you're doing it, before you do it, why am I doing this?
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What's my motivation?
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All of this comes back to working on yourself as a parent of an adult child.
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Don't have expectations that they're going to do anything or that they care as much about this process as you do, because they don't.
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They're in a different place in life.
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So if you give money, be aware when you're giving money.
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What why am I doing this?
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What's the purpose of this?
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What are my expectations back?
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Am I expecting them to somehow pay me back in some way?
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And if so, what is it?
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So again, working on yourself.
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Since I became a new grandparent, I have done a few episodes on grandparenting.
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And I admit I find it very hard to be helpful, yet stay out of the way and not overstep.
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Now, this little quote is not about that, but it's from an episode we dropped on October 16th with Dawn Davis.
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She's the founder of the Gaga Sisterhood, a whole group of grandmas that get together.
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But this thing she said resonated with me because we're all so anxious to see and hold that baby.
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But listen to what Dawn says.
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The relationship with your adult children is the most important relationship.
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So many grandmas go into their relationship with their grandchild and think, oh my god, this is so wonderful.
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I even made the mistake of rushing past my daughter one time when I went to visit.
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Remember to hug them first before you hug your grandchild.
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This is another one from Davis that I also liked because I live away from my grandson.
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And she told me, I have to learn to appreciate what I have.
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I hope you like what she has to say.
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Here it is.
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You make the best of what you have.
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That's what I say.
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Don't wish for something that you can't have.
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Be happy with what you have and make the best of it and figure out what's the most creative way to spend this time.
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So we had Dr.
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Rachel Glick on an episode that dropped September 5th.
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This episode seemed to resonate with so many people.
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One of the questions I asked Glick was about tips when your adult children brings home a new partner or spouse.
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How do we welcome them?
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How do we make them feel comfortable?
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She talked about curiosity, but also respecting how important that person is in your adult child's life.
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Maybe even more important than you.
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Here's Dr.
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Glick.
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It's a very, very sensitive subject because you have to also, you know, not be a totally on the side if you're concerned about something.
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You also have a place as a parent to maybe share a concern.
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But generally speaking, you want to start with curiosity and have have an awareness of empathy for what it's like to come into a family.
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Try to remember what it was like for you if you were one of those in that stage of your life, so that you can really make the person feel welcome.
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That is the main thing.
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That you're that you're happy that they're there, you're interested in the person, and that you also respect a gradual shift in that person kind of becoming more important to your child than you are, in terms of don't assume that because you've always done it this way as a family, you have to factor in now, especially as the partner becomes more part of their lives.
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You know, where does that work for them also?
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On September 19th, we dropped an episode with Shosta Nelson, a relationship and friendship expert.
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This was probably one of my favorite episodes.
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Not because it gave me tools for relating with my adult kids, but because it underscored the need for me to value and nurture my own friendships and grow in ways that do not involve my adult children.
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But she also discussed vulnerability, and this resonated with me too.
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Here are a few thoughts from Shasta.
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Like you're vulnerable, you're bringing your defenses down, and I think that's probably the biggest gift a parent can give because let's face it, you could do everything perfect as a parent, and a kid is still gonna have issues because they were raised by a perfect parent.
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There's nothing you can do where you're not gonna have issues.
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I think the biggest gift that we can do as parents is to open up that conversation and to say, like, what ways was childhood hard for you?
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And what do you wish I had done more of?
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And what do you wish I had done less of?
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Where were the moments that really impacted you as a child?
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And where was I in that?
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Be interested and not defensive.
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Our job in that moment is not to weigh in.
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Our job in that moment is a friendship, it is about accepting people's choices no matter what and trusting, 100% trust.
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Like, and I do this for my friends, I do this for my adult stepchildren, I do this for myself, my husband, all of us.
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It's not my job to go be a judge of everyone's life.
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It's my job to say no matter what choices you make, even if they end up, quote, being the wrong choice, I trust that life is gonna teach you what it needs to teach you.
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And I trust that you're gonna have the experiences and the growth that you need to have.
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Even if this relationship doesn't make it, that's okay because you're gonna become a better person through it.
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And my job is to go through life with you and be your biggest cheerleader.
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I want you to succeed and I trust that you're gonna grow.
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But the truth of the matter is all of us need a variety of different relationships in our lives that we can rely on.
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And I think so often, especially in situations we're talking about here, we put so much emphasis on this one child that it's not only affecting our self-esteem, but of course we're gonna show up with resentment because we're not getting what we want from that relationship.
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And to your point, if we can build healthy, meaningful, supportive relationships in our lives, those are our friendships, then we have those.
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We're gonna be able to manage that parent-child relationship better, but we're gonna have so much more of the things that we needed.
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My definition of a healthy relationship is where two people both feel seen in a safe and satisfying way.
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And I would be remiss if I did not share some advice from Lindsay Gibson, who wrote the best-selling book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
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This book has just gotten rave reviews, and she even had a cover story in the New York Times magazine.
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The first thing I learned from this interview was that I think all of us are a little bit emotionally immature, but it's recognizing it that counts.
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Here is something that Gibson says about how our adult children are feeling, and she counsels a lot of them.
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This episode dropped on July 11th.
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One is that they feel invalidated, and two, they feel controlled or diminished or dismissed.
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They feel that they have not been able to be their full true selves in their relationship with their parent, that the love and acceptance that they got was quite conditional.
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And I don't mean conditional like you have to get all A's.
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I mean conditional also on the basis of how that parent was feeling that day.
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Was the parent able to be present enough with that child that day because of their own issues, their own problems?
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So there's a sense for these uh adult children that they have had to hide their true feelings and their true thoughts for fear of upsetting or angering their parent.
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The idea is that when you are relatively emotionally immature, you probably have had trouble learning how to manage, recognize your feelings, your emotions.
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So you tend to get reactive instead of pausing to respond to what your child is doing or saying.
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There was also another episode that addressed our adult children not being able to be their true selves around us.
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I think this was probably true when we were young adults too.
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But wouldn't it be great if we really knew and understood our adult kids?
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Here's what guessed Katherine Hickam.
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She's the founder of PACT, Parenting Adult Children Today.
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Her episode dropped on November 20th, and she started by sharing a story about being told when her kids were in their 20s that most young people are not the same in front of their parents as they are with their friends.
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She went on to ask more, and here she is talking about that.
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I'll tell you a quick story.
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One of my daughter's friends had visited her when she was home during summer.
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He said to me, He said, Mrs.
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Hickham, did you know that your daughter is the only friend that I have that is the same in front of her parents as she is behind their back?
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Oh, interesting.
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And I said, Really?
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And he said, Yes.
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He said, It's true.
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And I said, Well, what about you?
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Are you the same?
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And he said, Oh no, absolutely not.
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And I said, Well, Jason, what's that about?
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He said, Oh no, Miss Hickam, I figured out.
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He said, When I go home to be with my mom and dad, I become who they want me to be.
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Because if I don't, my mom cries and my dad gets mad.
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And he said, So I just change.
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And he says, and when I walk out the door, I go back to being myself.
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And he said, That's what my friends do.
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It was like I got hit in the gut.
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It really was a very sobering moment when I heard him say that.
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And it made me incredibly sad.
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Back to Lindsay Gibson.
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I also asked Gibson what role our adult children play in our relationship.
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I felt like they've got to have some skin in this game.
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And she said something that shocked me.
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But I finally got it, and it's been a game changer for me.
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It's about the long game.
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Here's Dr.
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Gibson.
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They don't have to take any role in terms of just thinking about interpersonal relationships.
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Like if you have two people and one desperately wants the relationship, and the other one, you know, they're they're gone foot out the door.
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So when you start as the person who is feeling left or feeling rejected, when you start asserting your rights and you start thinking about what they ought to be feeling responsible for too, to kind of even this up, you're losing sight of the opportunity that you have because you're being given an opportunity to bite your tongue.
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And you're not doing that because you're knuckling under or you know, you're a weak spine, spineless person.
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You're doing it strategically because that is going to get you more of the result that you want, is a continuation of the relationship and maybe some willingness and interest on your adult child's part to keep trying to communicate with you.
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That's what you're after.
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Now I'd like to share a little bit from Dr.
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Deborah Tannin.
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She's written so many books about relationships.
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She's a professor at Georgetown University and one of the leading experts on how everyday talk shapes our closest relationships.
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I really enjoyed her book.
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I only say that because I love you.
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Here is something she says about implied criticism.
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Think about it.
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The most common complaint I heard from adult children about their mothers, she's critical.
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The most common complaint I heard from mothers of adult daughters, I can't open my mouth.
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She takes everything as criticism.
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And maybe this is a bit of linguistics.
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We are inclined to think words can only mean one thing.
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So I know you've been critical.
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So you say you're not.
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You're being disingenuous.
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I know I'm just wanted to help you.
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You're telling me I'm criticizing.
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Why are you so sensitive?
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What's the matter with you?
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They're both the true.
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They're both true.
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And you have to hold in your mind if you offer advice or suggestion for improvement, there is implied criticism.
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Finally, I had to share two of my favorite pieces of advice from two different episodes.
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The first one was in our first season, actually, with Dr.
00:16:25.120 --> 00:16:26.320
Susan Heitler.
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Heitler is a relationship therapist that offers this important lesson when talking with our adult children or basically any relationship.
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It really brings the tension down.
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Here's Dr.
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Heitler.
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Principle number one: good questions begin with how or what.
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So, how's your work going?
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What's the latest with your new company?
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Those tend to be good questions.
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If the answer is going to be followed with your advice, you've spoiled the question.
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The question itself, though, how or what is usually good.
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Contrast how or what with are you oh that's a setup.
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What if you give the wrong answer?
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And mostly gets yes or no.
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Did you?
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Why did you?
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Why didn't you?
00:17:15.680 --> 00:17:16.480
Delete.
00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:19.359
Beware of getting adversarial.
00:17:19.759 --> 00:17:25.119
Watch for using the word but because that means you're negating or dismissing what they said.
00:17:25.440 --> 00:17:37.200
Use and whatever they say, listen with your good ear so that you can stay on the track of a collaborative dialogue, not get at odds with each other.
00:17:37.519 --> 00:17:41.359
And now I'd like to end with my favorite quote of all time from Dr.
00:17:41.440 --> 00:17:45.519
Charles Fay of the legendary group Love and Logic.
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This episode dropped in October of 2024, but I still refer to it regularly.
00:17:51.759 --> 00:17:54.880
Here are two things that he says that I love.
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Now, notice the language.
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Sometimes we do work harder on other people's lives because it's the right thing to do.
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They're in a crisis situation, they can't pull themselves out.
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We just in our heart know we need to be helicopters in this situation.
00:18:20.319 --> 00:18:27.759
If that's done occasionally, from time to time when it's really needed, that's called being a kind, humane, good person.
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When we do it consistently, it's called sabotaging that other person's life because they'll become dependent on it.
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And finally, we'll close with another quote from Charles Fenny.
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Let's get something on the table right now.
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Our adult kids are responsible for their own lives.
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They're responsible for their own happiness.
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