June 13, 2025
Biting Your Tongue Doesn't Mean Giving Up Your Voice
Send us a text Sally Harris shares her emotional journey through a decade of estrangement with her adult daughter, revealing how she transformed her pain into a mission to help other parents facing similar struggles. • Sally became an alcoholic and extremely unhealthy while her daughter's life was spiraling • After eight years of sobriety, she's now reconciled with her daughter who returned to the family four years ago • Sally believes "we are best positioned to serve the person we once were...
Sally Harris shares her emotional journey through a decade of estrangement with her adult daughter, revealing how she transformed her pain into a mission to help other parents facing similar struggles.
• Sally became an alcoholic and extremely unhealthy while her daughter's life was spiraling
• After eight years of sobriety, she's now reconciled with her daughter who returned to the family four years ago
• Sally believes "we are best positioned to serve the person we once were"
• Many therapists advise adult children to cut off family rather than work toward reconciliation
• Parents should honor their adult child's perception of events even when they disagree
• When values differ, loving your child where they are creates space for potential reconciliation
• Ask "do you want me to just listen or do you want my advice?" before offering guidance
• Self-care isn't selfish but essential for maintaining healthy relationships with adult children
• Take care of yourself first and "stay in your own lane" by focusing on what you can control
• Remember that many phases adult children go through are temporary as they establish their identity
Visit sally-harris.com to connect with her resources or find her YouTube channel with helpful videos for parents navigating relationships with adult children.
Huge thank you to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.
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00:18 - Rebuilding Relationships With Adult Children
07:02 - Navigating Strained Mother-Child Relationships
10:07 - [Ad] Higher Listenings: Joy for Educators
10:45 - (Cont.) Navigating Strained Mother-Child Relationships
17:08 - Improving Communication With Adult Children
24:33 - Navigating Family Life Transitions
33:24 - Balancing Expectations and Self-Care
44:32 - Navigating Family Dynamics With Humility
WEBVTT
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Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Bite your Tongue, the podcast.
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I'm Denise and I'm here with my co-host, kirsten.
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Today we're talking with a mom of an adult child who's traveled a very difficult road.
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She says on her website sally-harriscom, by the way that while her daughter's life spun out of control, hers was doing the same.
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Now, mind you, she's not a certified therapist.
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She's a mom who has really been in the trenches.
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She suffered a decade of addiction, depression and anxiety.
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She also understands that no two situations are alike, but one thing she says that's always the same is a mother's heart, and I'm going to add a father's heart too heart, and I'm going to add a father's heart too.
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We hope to hear a bit about her journey and get some tips for keeping our relationships with our adult children intact while still living our own lives.
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She deals quite a bit with estrangement and we've covered a lot of that.
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So today we're hoping to talk about recognizing the cues in your relationship and, like our podcast says, build healthy relationships with our adult kids.
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Yeah, we recently recorded an episode with Tess Brigham and asked a lot of listener questions.
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It was interesting because this was the common theme, both estrangement, the fear of abandonment, as well as being abandoned.
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Sally, welcome, can you share a little bit about your journey for our listeners and how you decided to reach out and try to help others?
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Absolutely Well.
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Thank you for having me first of all Appreciate that.
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So you know, like Denise said, I'm a mom who walked a difficult road with my own daughter for over a decade, and I always say when her life spiraled, so did mine, and it does not have to be that way.
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But at the time I didn't know how to cope and so I just went into the pit.
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I ended up becoming an alcoholic.
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I had become very unhealthy and I had gained 70 pounds.
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I was just extremely unhealthy and a diagnosis is what actually turned me around.
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But I now have eight years of sobriety and, for the record, I am reconciled with my daughter.
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She has been back in the family for about four years.
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So great, that's a huge blessing.
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Yeah, that's great.
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But it really boils down to I fully believe that we're best positioned to serve the person we once were.
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Say that one more time.
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I missed what you said I think we are best positioned to serve the person we once were.
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Say that one more time.
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I missed what you said.
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I think we are best positioned to serve the person we once were.
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So I was that mom.
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So when you ask why I started doing this, is I wanted to be the person that I didn't have.
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I didn't have that support system.
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Don't get me wrong.
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I had friends, I had family around me, but I had nobody that had gone through it.
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So everyone has great advice and you take it all, you kind of muddle through it, but at the end of the day, I had no guidance, and so that's really what I was lacking.
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So that's why I do what I do now.
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What I was lacking, so that's why I do what I do now.
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I started locally, in my home, in a group setting back in 2016, ish serving moms who were estranged, and at that time, I was still on the journey myself, and I started my YouTube channel about four and a half years ago.
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So, and now I do one-on-one and group coaching for moms specifically, but I love how you included dads in this, because they're hurting too.
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It's interesting the way you said your life spun out of control.
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I think that's true for I mean, at least for me.
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I can only identify as a mom, but when my child hurts, whether they were a kid or an adult, I think I hurt more.
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I hate to say that, but it's because I have no control.
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I don't know what they're doing.
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I can't make any progress for them.
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Does that make sense?
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I'm hoping they get out of whatever it is and I hope we're going to talk more about that.
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We're going to talk about the worry and all that sort of thing.
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But I want to ask you so this whole issue of building healthy relationships with your adult kids seems to be top of mind lately.
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I mean, we started our podcast like three years ago.
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People weren't talking too much about it.
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You have nearly 20,000 followers on your YouTube channel and your shorts, in particular, I think, are really good.
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What's changed that this is happening?
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Yeah, and like you say, I'm not a certified therapist.
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No, no, I know that.
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We said that right up front.
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We said that Exactly.
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So I just wanted to reiterate that.
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So when I answer your question, you know I feel like some of it is culture, society.
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We can't seem to agree to disagree anymore.
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We used to be able to have different opinions on things and then just know that.
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You know, that's just not a topic we go, that we discuss and it wasn't really a big deal.
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Nowadays, if you don't agree, it doesn't matter what the topic is.
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There seems to be a complete disconnect and nobody is willing to agree to disagree, and I also think the mental health issue is definitely on the rise.
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One thing that I see a lot and I can tell you from firsthand experience with this as well, which is why I reiterated that I'm not a therapist I have had tons from firsthand experience with this as well, which is why I reiterated that I'm not a therapist.
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I have had tons of therapy.
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Don't get me wrong.
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I've had trauma therapy.
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I think that makes you a therapist.
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but anyway, go ahead.
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No, we're very clear on that.
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You're a mother who's walked in the trenches, has learned a lot, but you've also talked to a lot of people, you see the climate.
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So what I was going to say about that was what I see over and over, and I'm not saying every therapist is this way, but what happens is these kids will go seek therapy and they're being told to cut off the family.
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My best thought on that is anytime I have a client who thinks that they need to go see some, see a therapist, or they want to try to do therapy with their child, by all means, if that's what you want to do, absolutely do it.
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But make sure that you're with somebody whose goal is to reconcile the family.
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It doesn't mean there's not times where people do need to like okay, this is kind of really toxic, they're super disrespectful one way or the other parent or child and there's a time where you're like I gotta, I gotta put some boundaries up here because this is killing me, like this is really hard.
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So in those cases, absolutely there's a time, but I don't believe it should ever be forever, because forever is a long time, sally we interviewed Joshua Coleman.
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You've probably read his book.
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He came out with one of these first books you and your Adult Child.
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He said something very similar to this that so many therapists they're literally helping them write the letter.
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And I thought and I said afterwards, kirsten and I were like why aren't people saying let's bring your parents in here, let's talk about this, let's figure out how to?
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reconcile Right Exactly, and that's what's so painful is because it's only one sided.
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So while I am serving the moms and granted, you could say that's one-sided too, because I'm not hearing the child's perspective but my goal and I really I try to stay middle ground.
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There's sometimes it's really obvious what's going on one way or the other, but for the most part we try to look at the fact that our kids have perspectives too.
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We don't have to agree with them, but they're going to have their own perception of what happened that day or the argument that happened, or whatever the case may be.
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But it doesn't mean their perception is wrong.
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It's their reality, whether we like it or not.
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Let's meet somewhere in the middle and try to reconcile these families, because that's the goal for me anyway, that's my goal, and to do that I have to get these moms healthy, or or it's never going to happen.
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That's exactly right.
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So that leads right into the next question.
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I watched the video that you talked about how to let go of your adult kids.
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I loved what you said there.
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You said it's not about letting go and moving on from them, but about moving forward in your own life.
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So talk about that a little bit, yeah.
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Well, I think most moms can agree that we do the best we can with our kids.
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We raise them where they're like our everything and we kind of put our own lives on hold and then, before we know it, they're adults and we're like wait a minute, where'd they go?
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Or these issues start happening as teens and we don't know how to handle it because we have lost ourself in the process.
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We are so codependent on being a mom and having that relationship with the son or daughter or multiple kids, even where we lose our own identity.
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Being a mom is like one of I don't know, it's one of my favorite titles, besides being a gam.
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I don't know which one's better, but I love being a gam.
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But you're a mom, you might be a wife, you're a friend, you're a daughter, you're all these other things, but the only thing we focus on is being a mom.
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And when this estrangement happens or just a rocky relationship and we don't know how to handle it, we lose ourself and we fall into this pit, like I did because I didn't have the control, like you mentioned earlier.
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I really think that we nurture and love, but we forget about ourselves.
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I think that's where it starts.
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So that's what I do now is helping these moms figure out what brings you joy.
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You can be a mom and still take time for yourself, and so I love that we're having this proactive conversation, kind of because it's so important, because if I would have known what to do back then, oh my goodness, I think I could have had a faster outcome as well, just because I wouldn't have made as many mistakes.
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Well, I think you know we all, we know we all make mistakes, or nobody gives us a manual when we have kids.
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So you talk a lot about releasing that guilt that comes from having made those mistakes.
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We all do.
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We all look back and think, oh gosh, if I'd just done this differently, would this kid be better off or worse off or whatever.
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How do you release that guilt?
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What do you do?
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What do you tell parents to help them with that piece?
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Because that's huge, it's a big it's a big deal for all of us.
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Even moms who aren't going through strained relationships.
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Absolutely, I mean, I don't have strained relationships.
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So if your kid doesn't call, I think that you think, whatever choices they're making, you think, oh, if I would have done that different anyway.
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Absolutely.
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I think it starts with self-awareness versus starts with acceptance, because we can't change the past.
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None of us can, no matter what.
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That is one thing you cannot change, but the self-awareness of knowing that, okay, did I do the best I could with what I knew at the time.
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Most moms can say yes to that.
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There might've been a few times where you're like that was, that was not so smart.
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I probably shouldn't have done that.
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But at the end of the day, we have conversations with our kids and someone raised their voice or somebody got mad or whatever the case may be, and you may.
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You had that guilt about a conversation.
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You could have a guilt about the I got divorced or I didn't get divorced.
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I hear both sides of that.
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There's just so many things, but it really boils down to knowing that we can't change the past and controlling your thoughts, Because how do you control?
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your thoughts.
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You have to take hold of them, because life and death is in the power of the tongue First of all.
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And we, even the way we speak to ourselves.
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People forget about that.
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Like, the way we speak to one another is one thing, but what are you saying to yourself?
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We never keep promises to ourselves.
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We try really hard and we want to honor everybody else, but we don't honor ourselves.
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And this isn't about being selfish or anything like that.
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It's about just being a whole, healed, healthy person which, trust me, I had to revamp that whole scenario.
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Yeah, I mean, I also went to a therapist who made me say into the mirror every morning I'm a wonderful person or something.
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We had this phrase and I would say to him I can't say it because I don't believe it.
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They'd say I'm a something, something, something I'm like, oh, come on, what am I am?
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I say this to myself for, but I think that really makes a difference, doesn't it?
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Yeah, those are like affirmations, right, just like anything else you would say to yourself positively.
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You probably aren't going to believe it in the beginning, but the more you speak it, you will.
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I always look at it like we have a choice.
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I can focus on the negative aspect of what my child is doing and it's really bothering me and I'm worried for them of what my child is doing and it's really bothering me and I'm worried for them, and I just focus on the negative and I focus on an outcome that I don't even have any proof is gonna happen, but I focus there anyway.
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That's what happens a lot.
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I did the same thing to the point where I planned my daughter's funeral.
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I was so convinced and I had to be prepared because I had to be in control of that, and at that point in time I hadn't lost anyone.
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I had not, other than my grandma when I was a kid, and so I was like, how does this work?
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And we had a friend that owned the funeral home in town, so I went to her and I was like, please just walk me through this.
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What would happen?
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And now I'm like, oh my gosh.
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So I was literally claiming that, okay, your daughter, my daughter, is going to pass and I'm going to get this horrible phone call Right.
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And it was devastating to even go through that process.
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And I look back now I'm thinking, why did I do that from me and I was letting my thoughts control her destiny and mine really, I was just had it all planned out to the point where I even took action, which is really scary.
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But I always ask people like when, with your thoughts, like, what proof do you have?
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Do you have any proof that what you're catastrophizing is actually going to happen?
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Oh, I like that.
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Why do we catastrophize?
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Because we've talked about this before.
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I definitely will go to the glasses doesn't even have any water, I'll find the worst thing that might happen.
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My husband says to me why do you always think the worst?
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Why do we catastrophize?
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Am I saying that word right?
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I know that's a big one, right?
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Yeah, I know I think a lot of it for me.
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I'm not sure about for you, but for me it was.
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I had a lot of bad things happen in my life and so I just expected that negative outcome.
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Sometimes I think we we try to protect ourselves.
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Like well, if I plan on the worst thing, then anything better than that will be okay.
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Yeah, but I don't think that's, and I get the mentality when you like logically, but I don't think it does anything to serve your health or your mind.
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So let's go back to what you said about the tongue.
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I want you to say that again I think it was the positive or negative because our tongues also play a lot.
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Well, we call this bite your tongue.
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Our tongues also play a big part in our relationship with our adult kids, because we had one guest say a parent's voice comes to the child like a megaphone and we have to be very careful and very thoughtful with our approach.
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So I want to hear a little bit more about that, if you don't mind or if you can.
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Yeah, do you mean like life and death is in the power of the tongue?
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Yeah, that's what you said what does?
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that mean exactly to you.
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Well, to me it means we either breathe life or death into people.
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Our words have so much power into.
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Like I could say something to you positively, so when you think of me, I might have made you, I complimented you, or I might have made you feel positive or good about yourself, right, or if we had a negative interaction, when you think of me, that's what you're going to remember.
00:15:04.086 --> 00:15:16.318
So that whole megaphone I've heard that too many times and it could be positive or negative, like oh yeah, I can hear my grandma or I can hear my mom, but then oh, I can hear my mom or dad, right, and it's just whatever.
00:15:16.318 --> 00:15:25.475
It's almost like whatever voice is the loudest sometimes, and I don't mean that in a good way but like whatever they hear the most of.
00:15:25.495 --> 00:15:29.600
So give us some advice then, for parents to be have the tongue, have life.
00:15:29.600 --> 00:15:33.383
How do we couch our comments, or do we not say what's on our mind?
00:15:33.383 --> 00:15:34.984
Do we bite our tongues all the time?
00:15:34.984 --> 00:15:38.027
How do we forge a more positive?
00:15:38.027 --> 00:15:41.149
Just catching them being good, just like we used to when they were little?
00:15:41.149 --> 00:15:42.211
Anyway, go ahead.
00:15:42.850 --> 00:15:46.533
Yeah, number one literally is I mean we used to when they were little.
00:15:46.533 --> 00:15:47.095
Anyway, go ahead.
00:15:47.095 --> 00:15:50.238
Yeah, number one literally is I mean we need to think before we talk.
00:15:50.258 --> 00:16:00.596
So many of us just talk and we don't listen anymore and that's a huge piece, and I know you wanted to go into about communication too, but really and we'll get to that, yeah, cause that is such the core of everything but thinking before you talk.
00:16:00.596 --> 00:16:12.990
Because if you think of it like, this is kind of a different example, but I can remember Dr Phil used to say and this would be more for, like, when your kids are younger but are you, are you tattling to help that person?
00:16:12.990 --> 00:16:14.461
Are you tattling to hurt that person?
00:16:14.461 --> 00:16:18.725
So every time you speak to someone, are you doing that to help them?
00:16:18.725 --> 00:16:19.897
Are you doing that to hurt them?
00:16:19.897 --> 00:16:27.244
And sometimes, when we hurt people, including our own kids, we're doing it out of our own pain that I don't think has been healed.
00:16:27.244 --> 00:16:29.964
And, trust me, I've had to do a lot of work on myself with that.
00:16:29.964 --> 00:16:31.895
We've all got stuff, can you?
00:16:31.916 --> 00:16:37.126
use an example of tattling for good and tattling for bad for our adult kids.
00:16:37.268 --> 00:16:57.566
Yeah, so, for example, like if you are, if you catch them doing something, like you had said earlier, if you catch them doing something good and not like in a mother child way, because we're talking about adult children and maybe older teens or whatnot but if you catch them, just let them know that you're proud of them.
00:16:57.566 --> 00:17:04.737
Just reinforce the good and try to stay away from the negative, because we can always take a negative and turn it to good.
00:17:04.737 --> 00:17:06.619
Right, give us an example.
00:17:06.619 --> 00:17:19.660
So if you were to say, if you were to catch your child, let's say they're living at home and they don't get up in the morning, you go in the room and you're like see, I told you, look at that.
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This is the third day in a row.
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You haven't gotten up.
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What am I going to do with you?
00:17:22.785 --> 00:17:35.263
You're worthless, you're this, you're that because some parents talk to their kids that way and, first of all, depending on the age we're talking about here, but if we're talking about adult children, in my opinion you shouldn't even be waking them up.
00:17:35.263 --> 00:17:37.336
They're old enough to make that choice.
00:17:37.336 --> 00:17:39.961
So that, right, there is an example of how.
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Stay in your own lane.
00:17:43.185 --> 00:17:46.096
I know that, like in that situation, it's hard because they're in your home.
00:17:46.096 --> 00:17:49.679
It'd be different if they had their own place and they weren't getting up for work and you didn't know about it, right?
00:17:49.679 --> 00:17:54.878
So it's a little bit harder, but at the same time, it's not your responsibility.
00:17:54.878 --> 00:18:01.039
I work a lot on self-responsibility and what is what is the parent's responsibility at this point in the game?
00:18:01.039 --> 00:18:15.089
As a parent, our roles shift and too many of us including myself, I didn't shift that role at a younger teen age and start letting them make mistakes while they're still under my roof, where you can guide them and help them.
00:18:15.089 --> 00:18:22.428
So many kids are stifled and then they go off to college and they start they go crazy because they they get.
00:18:22.428 --> 00:18:26.019
They're like I've got freedom, I've got freedom, I've got freedom, but nobody's there to rein them in and guide them.
00:18:26.019 --> 00:18:27.605
That makes perfect sense.
00:18:27.974 --> 00:18:41.717
You have to give them a long leash to kind of mess things up while they're under your and while the consequences for the most part are small, as opposed to once they are adults making those decisions.
00:18:41.717 --> 00:18:46.286
Do they even know what consequences are and how you deal with that?
00:18:47.228 --> 00:18:47.929
Let's go through.
00:18:47.929 --> 00:18:50.944
I read that one blog post and that's the one I want to concentrate on.
00:18:50.944 --> 00:18:59.143
I think it's the one called Effective Strategies for Healing and Strengthening Relationships with Our Adult Children, and we're going to focus on the strengthening part.
00:18:59.143 --> 00:19:01.855
One of the first things you mentioned is effective communication.
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How can we effectively communicate without feeling judgy?
00:19:05.862 --> 00:19:09.587
Because I think they do hear things differently.
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We try so hard and we've got to round our corner in when we're talking to them, and it does take work.
00:19:15.226 --> 00:19:22.361
A lot of parents of adult kids that I talk to say well, I'm their parent, I can say whatever I want, and I think to myself no, you better think twice.
00:19:23.463 --> 00:19:33.789
I know I was almost like an ownership thing that I think some people feel when they're an infant yeah, that's, it's 100% you, you have to do that, but then we have to outgrow that.
00:19:33.789 --> 00:19:46.530
As far as communication, I think one of the biggest things that I don't see moms doing that I teach repeatedly is realizing that your kids have a perspective too.
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But starts up here, so you and I we could be in the same room.
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We have this, we're in the same conversation, things were said, done.
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