Oct. 17, 2025

Grandparenting Without Overstepping: Love, Boundaries, and Listening

Grandparenting Without Overstepping: Love, Boundaries, and Listening

Send us a text Please follow us on social media - FACEBOOK and INSTAGRAM -- we are building our brand and need your support! On to today's episode: The first hug goes to your adult child. That simple shift sets the tone for everything that follows—and it’s the heartbeat of our conversation with Donne Davis, founder of the Gaga Sisterhood, who’s spent two decades helping grandparents build steady, loving connections without overstepping. We dive into the messy, modern realities of grand...

Send us a text

Please follow us on social media - FACEBOOK and INSTAGRAM -- we are building our brand and need your support!  

On to today's episode:

The first hug goes to your adult child. That simple shift sets the tone for everything that follows—and it’s the heartbeat of our conversation with Donne Davis, founder of the Gaga Sisterhood, who’s spent two decades helping grandparents build steady, loving connections without overstepping. We dive into the messy, modern realities of grand-parenting—new parenting norms, gift-giving traps, long-distance heartache, and the quiet art of biting your tongue—while keeping one mission clear: protect the bond with the parents so your relationship with the grandkids can thrive.

We unpack why curiosity beats advice, offering word‑for‑word scripts that help you stay close without taking control. From the “anthropologist mindset” for approaching different sleep and feeding choices to setting gentle house rules in your own home, Donne shows how specific praise, reflective listening, and calm boundaries earn trust. We also explore the maternal vs. paternal grandparent dynamic, how to handle in‑law tensions, and why sustainable gifting and secondhand finds can align beautifully with younger parents’ values.

Donne shares her L‑O‑V‑E framework and book - When Grand-parenting Isn't So Grand. 

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a fellow grandparent, and leave a quick review—your support helps us bring on more experts and stories you care about.

Share your feedback about the episode by emailing us  at biteyourtongue@gmail.com.

Visit biteyourtonguepodcast.com. 

Thank you to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.  

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00:03 - The Most Important Relationship

00:26 - Welcome & Show Purpose

01:39 - Listener Support Request

01:39 - New Grandparent Moment

01:48 - Meet Donne Davis & Gaga Sisterhood

03:24 - Universal Grandparent Challenges

04:00 - Maternal vs Paternal Dynamics

05:46 - Starting On The Right Foot

07:25 - Expectations Shift And Reading Cues

09:20 - Near vs Long Visit Dynamics

10:24 - Modern Parenting Differences

12:05 - Anthropologist Mindset & Curiosity

14:18 - House Rules, Manners, And Meltdowns

16:24 - Gifts, Overgiving, And Consent

18:05 - Thrifting, Values, And Stuff

19:25 - Staying Close From Far Away

21:20 - Grandma Amelia’s Legacy

22:50 - Parents As Gatekeepers To Connection

24:24 - The L‑O‑V‑E Framework

27:04 - Identity Shift And Inner Work

WEBVTT

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The relationship with your adult children is the most important relationship.

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So many grandmas go into their relationship with their grandchild and think, oh my god, this is so wonderful.

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I even made the mistake of rushing past my daughter one time when I went to visit.

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Remember to hug them first before you hug your grandchild.

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Hey everyone, welcome to Bite Your Tongue the Podcast.

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Join me, your host, Denise Gorin, as we explore the ins and outs of building healthy relationships with our adult children.

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Together we'll speak with experts, share heartfelt stories, and get timely advice, addressing topics that matter most to you.

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Get ready to dive deep and learn to build and nurture deep connections with our adult children.

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And of course, when to bite our tongues.

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So let's get started.

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Hey everyone, welcome back to a brand new episode of Bite Your Tongue the Podcast.

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You should know that lately our inbox has been buzzing with your questions, ideas, and lots of love.

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Thank you so much.

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We're already working on bringing some great new guests to answer all the things you care about most.

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But now before we begin, I have to give a little shout out.

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If you listeners out there are liking what you're hearing, we'd love your support.

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Just head to biteyourtonguepodcast.com, click the support tab, and for as little as five bucks, you can give us a nod.

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If everyone listening did that, we'd be golden.

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We might even be able to go to lunch.

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All right, let's get rolling.

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As some of you know, I just became a grandparent.

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And when today's guest reached out about grandparenting wisdom, I thought, let's do it.

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So today we're thrilled to welcome Donnie Davis, founder of the Gaga Sisterhood, an international membership organization for enthusiastic grandmas who want to connect, grow, learn, and share.

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Donnie launched the Gaga Sisterhood in 2003, shortly after the birth of her first grandchild.

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Like many new grandmas, she was completely gaga.

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And I have to say I'm a little gaga too.

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But she also realized she wasn't the only one navigating the joys and challenges of today's modern grandparenting.

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For the past 20 years, she's been inspiring grandmothers.

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She's the author of When Being a Grandmother Isn't So Grand: Four Keys to L-O-V-E, Your Grandparents' Parents, a practical guide to navigating the most common challenges in grandparent today.

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The book is available on Amazon, and we'll put a link to it in our episode notes.

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We're excited to dive into her wisdom on how to balance love, boundaries, and realistic expectations while building the kind of family and relationships we want.

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Welcome, Donnie.

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We're so glad to have you with us.

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I'm delighted to be here.

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Well, good.

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Let's start with your own story.

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What I love about having you on about the whole grandparent thing is you've been in the trenches for much longer than a lot of us newbies.

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So you're going to have a lot to offer.

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So what inspired you to create this whole grandparent, what do you call it?

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Supported organization.

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Yeah, organization.

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Organization.

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And what has surprised you the most of the two decades of leading it?

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Well, what surprised me the most is how universal the problems are for all grandmas, no matter where they're from, whether they're from another country, whether they're from a different background, it's always the same problems.

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Like the parenting rules are very different than when we were parents.

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The gifts, you got to be very careful of the gifts.

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Food is a big issue, sleep is different, and boundaries.

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They're all things that no matter who you are as a grandma, you're most likely going to experience these.

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And the other thing that was really surprising to me is that there's a difference between being a maternal grandma and being a paternal grandma.

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Now that's a generalization.

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I would love you to share a little more about that because I have a son and a daughter.

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My daughter's the one with the child.

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And I've said to people, I think it must be really different when it's your daughter versus your son.

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So share a little bit about that.

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The bond between the mother and daughter is very strong.

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I think that maternal grandmas do have some advantage in that respect.

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But if you get lucky and you're a paternal grandma and you have a wonderful daughter-in-law like I do, she includes you in everything and you feel like you have a good relationship.

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But often the daughter-in-laws can be really difficult.

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I just was responding to a grandma today who wrote to me, pouring her heart out about what a horrible daughter-in-law she has.

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And she says, you know, usually the jokes are about the mother-in-law, but she says this daughter-in-law is just cruel and mean and leaves her out.

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And there's often a lot you can't do about that.

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Yeah, you probably can't.

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I think everything I've learned from doing these interviews is you have to look inside yourself too.

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If you have this feeling that your daughter-in-law is being very cruel or keeping you out, you need to figure out what some of your actions are too.

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What could you be doing that could be contributing to this and trying to come to a uh middle ground, I guess.

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I never think it's one-sided.

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And yet I'm sure in many instances it is.

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I would agree.

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A lot of times grandmas try their hardest, but they're just dealt a bad hand, like to say.

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Well, you talk in your book, and I mentioned your book in the intro, and I'll mention it again at the end, but getting off on the right foot.

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Your daughter or your son's about to have a baby, maybe it differs in each case.

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What are the steps a new grandparent should take to get off on the right foot?

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Remember that communication is the key.

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Learn how to be a good communicator and especially a good listener.

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So ideally, you would sit down before the new baby arrives and say, I'm so excited to become a grandma.

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And I'm just curious, like, how do you see me in this role?

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That would be the first thing.

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The second would be here's my expectations of what I would love.

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I would love to be able to visit once a week.

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I would love to babysit.

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I really want to be engaged and involved in your lives and start with that.

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And then what are your expectations?

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How do you see me being in this role?

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You know, yeah, the second person that said that, and I just want to discuss this a little bit, because I don't think the parents to be know exactly what they want.

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No.

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When you typically say, I'd like to be involved, the response tends to be, oh, we really want you involved.

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We can't wait for you to be involved.

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And all of a sudden you hear that and you act on it.

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It's like, whoa, you're here too much, or you're saying too much, or maybe you need to go home now.

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So I'm not 100% sure they know what they want.

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You're right.

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And they may want something and then change their mind because the whole process is just it's growth.

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Remember when you were a parent and you were so excited because you're in this rhythm and everything was going so well, and then all of a sudden it changed?

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Yeah.

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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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At three months, six months, nine months, and twelve months.

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Yeah.

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Everything changes.

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And the same thing happens with parents.

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They say, Oh, we don't want you around so much.

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And then all of a sudden it becomes overwhelming.

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They say, Well, you know, maybe we'd like you to babysit more often.

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Or it could go the other way, or they say, We're getting a little bit too much in our lives.

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I don't know, you know, if they would actually say that.

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But you have to really, I think, be such a good nuanced listener to pick up cues because a lot of times there's some unspoken stuff that is just too uncomfortable to say.

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And you have to watch for those cues.

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And I think, particularly in my situation and my parents' situation when my kids were young, they lived somewhere else.

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So when they came to visit, the time is so intense.

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And I think that's so much harder because you want to embrace this time, but you don't want to step on their toes.

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It's a very difficult kind of visit.

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Whereas if they can call, can you come over for an hour?

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It's a much more relaxed experience and relaxed relationship.

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It is.

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But you know, you make the best of what you have.

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That's what I say.

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Don't wish for something that you can't have.

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Yeah.

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Be happy with what you have and make the best of it and figure out what's the most creative way to spend this time.

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The thing that I think is hard is when the parents come to visit you and they want to see their old friends when they're visiting.

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And then you have to share them.

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That's challenging.

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Yeah, that's challenging too.

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I also wonder as we're talking about this, everyone talked about their parents when they had kids.

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I complained about my mother.

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I complained about my mother-in-law.

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But I look back and I think, gosh, they were actually pretty doggone good.

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I don't remember them ever saying, you should feed your baby this or you should put your baby down now.

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They didn't seem to struggle with these things like we do.

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Do you think because the changes are greater?

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Definitely.

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Definitely.

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Definitely.

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Because I think we were probably more similar to our parents in parenting styles than our children are.

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I was fascinated and a little judgmental when I became a grandma and I saw that my daughter was embracing this attachment parenting.

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And I had never heard of it before, but she was carrying the baby around 24-7 in a Moby wrap and sleeping with the baby.

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And I thought, oh my gosh, no wonder you're tired.

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But I didn't say anything.

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I was very good about trying not to be judgmental.

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What I tell parents is pretend you're an anthropologist and you're studying this new culture, and it's so fascinating to you because it's so different.

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And then ask questions in a curious but not judgmental way because a lot of it's going to be so different.

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I love this.

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So walk me through this.

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And I've talked to two different couples about this.

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One pediatrician says, the baby's in your room till six months, another pediatrician says, keep your baby in the room for a year.

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How would I approach this if I saw my daughter or my son-in-law or my son really tired?

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The baby's in the room all the time.

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They're not getting any time together.

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How would an anthropologist talk about this?

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Again, lead with curiosity.

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Wow, you know, you look exhausted.

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How are you sleeping?

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And then wait to see what they say.

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Oh my God, the baby in our room is just getting really old.

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Oh, what makes you think you need to keep the baby in the room?

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What are your parenting theories on that?

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Listen to what they have to say, but don't say, Oh, yeah, you know, you should follow that theory.

00:11:10.960 --> 00:11:11.200
Right.

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I think you just have to refrain from offering advice and they have to figure it out themselves.

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I call them the team captains.

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They set the rules, you respect them.

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If they don't seem to look like they're doing well, well, sometimes you just have to let them suffer the consequences.

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I really think that's better than saying, Oh, have you thought about moving the baby into their own room?

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How about when they get older and their little brats come over, they have no manners, they're talking back to their parents, they're yelling at their parents, you don't say a word.

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You say, Oh, I love having them.

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I think that when they're in your house, that you can say, you know what, in grandma's house, we don't touch things that are on the shelves.

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Or in grandma's house, we sit quietly at the table.

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If you're visiting their house, so you're from out of town and you're visiting their house and you see this disarray of you just have to zip it.

00:12:12.159 --> 00:12:12.960
I think so.

00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:17.039
You can certainly try, see what happens.

00:12:17.440 --> 00:12:18.799
Well, I don't think you should try.

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You may never be invited back.

00:12:20.639 --> 00:12:22.559
So I'm not sure that's the best.

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Maybe in the backyard when you're with the child by themselves, you can sit down.

00:12:25.679 --> 00:12:26.080
Oh, yeah.

00:12:26.320 --> 00:12:28.000
My mother used to do the best job.

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We'd sit at the table, and it was kind of her thing to do manners with the kids.

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And it was so great.

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And they think back and they remember Nana saying, strong and able, no elbow.

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I love that she just took over and did it because they listened to her more than they were going to listen to me.

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When it comes to manners, hopefully you have them in your house, and then you can say, these are the ways that we like to sit at the table.

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We like to keep our elbows off the table, or we like to use this spoon, or we don't have our hands in the food.

00:12:58.879 --> 00:13:01.519
You can do all that when they get a little bit older.

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You know what?

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Be a good role model.

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And then I always say, if you catch them doing something that you think is right, oh, I love the way you're just sitting so quietly at the table.

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If someone has a meltdown, the four-year-old has a meltdown, you don't say anything, you let the parent handle it, I would assume.

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Unless the parent really looks like they're struggling, and you could say, I'm here if you need me.

00:13:26.639 --> 00:13:27.600
Yeah, that makes sense.

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Offer your help and say, I'm here if you need me.

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You know, another thing would be to say, maybe afterward, wow, that looks so hard.

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What is that like for you?

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Parents love to vent.

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They don't want your advice, they just want you to hear them.

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They want you to hear the suffering.

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That's why I say it's so important to listen to what parents have to say and to say, oh gosh, that wow, that meltdown.

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How do you that's so hard to handle?

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What do you do in that situation?

00:13:59.279 --> 00:14:01.039
Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea too.

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I would be more apt to say, you handled that so well.

00:14:04.399 --> 00:14:04.639
Yeah.

00:14:04.879 --> 00:14:09.440
You know, because I feel like anytime you give a compliment, oh, what a great job.

00:14:09.679 --> 00:14:12.559
And I think the compliments should be very specific.

00:14:12.879 --> 00:14:19.200
Like, I really love the way you picked up the baby and soothed her when she was having such a hard time.

00:14:19.440 --> 00:14:20.000
Yeah, yeah.

00:14:20.159 --> 00:14:21.600
Rather than just you did a good job.

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I loved how much love you were able to give that baby.

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That's really important.

00:14:25.519 --> 00:14:26.080
That's really important.

00:14:26.559 --> 00:14:28.480
Observe and and then reflect.

00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:29.039
Right.

00:14:29.279 --> 00:14:34.080
Now, one thing I really want to get into, and you brought this up at the beginning, is the overgiving.

00:14:34.320 --> 00:14:38.799
Every day a package arrives from grandma and grandpa, you show up with all this stuff.

00:14:38.960 --> 00:14:40.240
What's your advice on that?

00:14:40.480 --> 00:14:43.120
That's part of the conversation in the beginning.

00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:44.399
This is what I would say.

00:14:44.639 --> 00:14:48.399
I've heard that a lot of grandparents give the wrong gifts.

00:14:48.639 --> 00:14:50.159
I don't want to be guilty of that.

00:14:50.320 --> 00:14:53.759
What's your thinking on what do you want me to give?

00:14:54.080 --> 00:14:58.480
Experiences or certain kinds of toys or nothing at all?

00:14:58.720 --> 00:15:03.840
Give me a list or tell me what's the best way to give my grandchild presents.

00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:05.440
Yeah, I love that.

00:15:05.600 --> 00:15:07.279
And that's kind of what I've been doing.

00:15:07.440 --> 00:15:12.080
But I'll be in a store and I'll see the cutest little sweater and I'll say, Oh, this would look so cute on him.

00:15:12.240 --> 00:15:13.440
And then I think, well, you know what?

00:15:13.519 --> 00:15:14.960
I don't want it to go to waste.

00:15:15.200 --> 00:15:19.120
Sometimes I'll take a picture and say, Is this something that seems cute to you?

00:15:19.279 --> 00:15:20.639
But yeah, that's good.

00:15:20.879 --> 00:15:23.200
I feel like my hands are tied to have any fun.

00:15:23.519 --> 00:15:24.799
Does that make sense?

00:15:25.120 --> 00:15:26.720
Well, how old is your grandson?

00:15:26.879 --> 00:15:28.639
My grandson's only five months old.

00:15:28.879 --> 00:15:29.120
Okay.

00:15:29.200 --> 00:15:29.440
Yes.

00:15:29.919 --> 00:15:31.600
Fun hasn't even started.

00:15:31.840 --> 00:15:32.559
I know, I know.

00:15:32.639 --> 00:15:33.519
But I just mean one.

00:15:33.679 --> 00:15:37.919
It's the first time I can walk into a baby store for so many years and look at cute things.

00:15:38.159 --> 00:15:38.879
That kind of fun.

00:15:39.279 --> 00:15:44.320
Recently I had a conversation about how would you feel if I got them a good winter snowsuits?

00:15:44.480 --> 00:15:47.679
And she said, Well, I'm going to a used clothing sale next week.

00:15:47.759 --> 00:15:49.200
Let me let you know what I get.

00:15:49.360 --> 00:15:50.480
So I just left it.

00:15:50.799 --> 00:15:59.679
What I heard when you just said was a very common thing that millennials really want to be conscientious about the environment.

00:15:59.840 --> 00:16:00.159
Right.

00:16:00.399 --> 00:16:02.399
They don't want stuff.

00:16:02.720 --> 00:16:04.159
They want to reuse.

00:16:04.639 --> 00:16:09.440
It's I think bargain hunting at thrift stores has become really popular.

00:16:09.840 --> 00:16:14.159
And yet I find with my friends, some love it and some never want it.

00:16:14.320 --> 00:16:17.039
I have a friend, I think this is the most fabulous idea.

00:16:17.120 --> 00:16:21.759
And she has eight grandchildren, and she has one granddaughter that's eight or nine.

00:16:21.919 --> 00:16:25.519
She'll go to Goodwill and she'll put 10 outfits together for this little girl.

00:16:25.759 --> 00:16:30.240
She'll wash them and iron them and put them all together and cost her 20 bucks.

00:16:30.399 --> 00:16:34.399
My friend also said she didn't want the grandchild to think she was out spending all this money.

00:16:34.639 --> 00:16:36.320
She was getting seven outfits.

00:16:36.480 --> 00:16:39.919
So she wanted to explain to her what she was doing and how she was reusing.

00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:42.559
And she's got such style she could put it together.

00:16:42.799 --> 00:16:45.200
Now, we did talk about living far away.

00:16:45.360 --> 00:16:52.240
What are your best suggestions for grandparents that do live far away as they're developing relationships with their grandchildren?

00:16:52.559 --> 00:16:55.200
I want to recommend a fabulous resource.

00:16:55.360 --> 00:16:58.480
It's called The Long Distance Grandparent.

00:16:58.639 --> 00:17:00.159
That's the name of the website.

00:17:00.399 --> 00:17:06.480
The founder is Carrie, K-E-R-R-Y, Byrne, B-Y-R-N-E.

00:17:06.960 --> 00:17:09.680
She has the Grandparent Society.

00:17:09.839 --> 00:17:17.039
It's a membership organization and she has monthly seminars on Zoom for the members.

00:17:17.359 --> 00:17:22.799
And she has all kinds of resources and ways to stay connected long distance.

00:17:23.039 --> 00:17:32.160
She also talks about how hard it is to be a long-distance grandparent and how there's some grief involved because it's not what you'd expected.

00:17:32.319 --> 00:17:38.799
I grew up with my grandparents 15 minutes away, and I had both my grandmas in my life until I was 40.

00:17:39.039 --> 00:17:44.960
But then my husband and I, when I was seven months pregnant, moved to Southern California.

00:17:45.200 --> 00:17:48.799
We all lived in Northern California and husband and I moved to Southern.

00:17:48.960 --> 00:17:53.680
Right when they were about to become grandparents, I had no idea how hard this would be.

00:17:54.079 --> 00:17:59.920
Donnie, I know when we picked this day for the recording, you said there was something really special about this day for you.

00:18:00.160 --> 00:18:03.200
What makes September 23rd a special day for you?

00:18:03.440 --> 00:18:06.079
It's my grandma Amelia's birthday.

00:18:06.319 --> 00:18:11.440
She was in my life until I was 40 and she died when she was 93.

00:18:12.000 --> 00:18:17.519
She was my playmate when I was growing up and my role model for being a grandma.

00:18:17.599 --> 00:18:20.640
I loved her so much, and we spent so much time together.

00:18:20.799 --> 00:18:29.759
She and I took a trip across the United States by train when I graduated from high school, all the way to New York and all the way back with stops in between.

00:18:30.160 --> 00:18:31.440
Isn't that wonderful?

00:18:31.759 --> 00:18:33.119
She was my playmate.

00:18:33.200 --> 00:18:35.839
I love sleeping over at her house on the weekends.

00:18:36.160 --> 00:18:41.279
My expectations were like, oh, I'm going to have a relationship like my grandma and I did.

00:18:41.920 --> 00:18:46.720
But I do think that there are lots of ways that you can stay connected.

00:18:46.960 --> 00:18:52.799
The key, again, is are your children going to help you stay engaged?

00:18:53.039 --> 00:18:54.400
Because that's what it takes.

00:18:54.640 --> 00:19:00.000
I Zoom with my granddaughter, who's down in Southern California, every Sunday.

00:19:00.079 --> 00:19:02.640
And we started this during the pandemic.

00:19:02.880 --> 00:19:09.519
And it's because her mother is really keen on us getting together and me having a relationship with her.

00:19:09.759 --> 00:19:12.000
You need the parents, especially when they're young.

00:19:12.240 --> 00:19:17.359
But you know, there's a lot of ways to stay connected with long-distance grandchildren.

00:19:17.599 --> 00:19:21.039
Look at that website because it's got some great ideas on it.

00:19:21.279 --> 00:19:26.480
Well, and I think that's where sometimes the overgiving becomes involved for the grandparent that lives long distance.

00:19:26.640 --> 00:19:29.039
They just want to send things to feel more connected.

00:19:29.519 --> 00:19:35.359
You can send letters, you can send pictures, you can send little love notes.

00:19:35.680 --> 00:19:38.720
It doesn't always have to be a tangible item.

00:19:38.960 --> 00:19:39.279
Yeah.

00:19:39.759 --> 00:19:44.000
You have had this Gaga sisterhood for so long, and everyone gets together and chats.

00:19:44.160 --> 00:19:51.759
I would love to hear from you if you can bring to the top three or four things that were the main issues that the grandparents dealt with.

00:19:52.079 --> 00:19:57.839
The number one is understanding the parents' parenting styles.

00:19:58.000 --> 00:20:00.000
This is one of the biggest issues.

00:20:00.240 --> 00:20:07.039
And in my book, I talk about the four keys to love your grandchild's parents.

00:20:07.200 --> 00:20:09.599
And it's an acronym, L-O-V-E.

00:20:09.920 --> 00:20:10.160
Right.

00:20:10.319 --> 00:20:15.039
L's L stands for learn the parent's language.

00:20:15.359 --> 00:20:18.400
And that's basically how are you parenting?

00:20:18.559 --> 00:20:19.920
I want to know more about it.

00:20:20.079 --> 00:20:20.720
Tell me more.

00:20:20.960 --> 00:20:21.920
What can I read?

00:20:22.160 --> 00:20:24.240
That's one of the big issues that came up.

00:20:24.480 --> 00:20:28.160
The other thing is own your shared purpose.

00:20:28.480 --> 00:20:31.279
Envy of the other grandparents.

00:20:31.599 --> 00:20:34.480
The other grandparents is another big issue.

00:20:34.720 --> 00:20:38.720
I think that the O is own your shared purpose.

00:20:38.880 --> 00:20:45.920
So not only do you have a shared purpose with the parents, but you have a shared purpose with the other grandparents.

00:20:46.640 --> 00:20:51.279
And they may have more money than you, they may have more goodies than you.

00:20:51.680 --> 00:20:58.480
But figure out what you're best at, then be proud of it, build that up as much as you can.

00:20:58.559 --> 00:21:08.640
And then with the other grandparents, acknowledge them and then think to yourself isn't my grandchild lucky to have so many grandparents who love him.

00:21:08.880 --> 00:21:11.839
And that helps with the rivalry, which is another big issue.

00:21:12.319 --> 00:21:14.000
We're on, we did L-O-V.

00:21:15.440 --> 00:21:19.519
And V stands for value the parents' hard work.

00:21:19.759 --> 00:21:22.799
And we talked a little bit about acknowledging how hard they work.

00:21:22.960 --> 00:21:29.519
And I think that's another thing that grandmas would say, I can't believe how much she does for this child.

00:21:29.680 --> 00:21:30.960
You can't say it that way.

00:21:31.039 --> 00:21:34.880
You have to say how wonderful that you're doing everything you can.

00:21:34.960 --> 00:21:40.640
And I love the way you teach your child manners or I love something specific.

00:21:40.880 --> 00:21:42.799
Value their hard work and acknowledge it.

00:21:42.960 --> 00:21:45.039
The E is the most important.

00:21:45.440 --> 00:21:47.839
It's simply stands for empathize.

00:21:48.000 --> 00:21:49.839
Empathize, empathize, empathize.

00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:52.960
This is something I learned from my daughter, who's a therapist.

00:21:53.200 --> 00:21:56.400
She said, Mom, I don't want your advice.

00:21:56.640 --> 00:21:58.319
I just want you to understand.

00:21:58.480 --> 00:22:01.599
I want you to listen, and I want you to let me vent.

00:22:01.759 --> 00:22:05.200
And so sometimes, you know, I try really hard to remember that.

00:22:05.359 --> 00:22:08.079
And I'll say, Oh, that must be so hard.

00:22:08.319 --> 00:22:10.880
And that feels so inadequate to me.

00:22:11.039 --> 00:22:12.480
But that's all she wants.

00:22:12.640 --> 00:22:19.039
It's so amazing when she says, Oh gosh, you know, I I've stayed up all night doing this.

00:22:19.200 --> 00:22:22.960
And I'll say, Oh gosh, that you must be exhausted.

00:22:23.359 --> 00:22:24.640
Or tell me more.

00:22:24.799 --> 00:22:25.759
That's another good one.

00:22:26.240 --> 00:22:27.119
Tell me more.

00:22:27.519 --> 00:22:31.920
So many people have said these things on other episodes just about relationship with adult kids.

00:22:32.079 --> 00:22:33.039
So it's the same thing.

00:22:33.279 --> 00:22:37.279
I think for me, the hardest thing is they are their own family.

00:22:37.519 --> 00:22:42.400
I am no longer their immediate family, and yet I feel like they're my immediate family.

00:22:42.559 --> 00:22:46.160
That's a hard separation that is a lot of work internally.

00:22:46.720 --> 00:22:47.200
It is.

00:22:47.359 --> 00:22:48.480
And that's what it is.

00:22:48.559 --> 00:22:49.039
Exactly.

00:22:49.200 --> 00:22:50.319
It's internal work.

00:22:50.559 --> 00:22:54.559
One of the things that I think is really good is journaling.

00:22:54.640 --> 00:22:57.119
I've been journaling since 1976.

00:22:57.440 --> 00:23:00.240
I work out a lot of stuff in my journals.

00:23:00.480 --> 00:23:02.319
And then I also believe in therapy.

00:23:02.480 --> 00:23:14.079
I think, especially as parents of adult children, we often need to talk to a therapist because there are just some issues that are so painful and so hard.

00:23:14.240 --> 00:23:18.319
And you just need to talk to somebody and feel like, yeah, that is hard.

00:23:18.559 --> 00:23:20.640
A mother's love is inexplainable.

00:23:20.880 --> 00:23:23.119
And it's just you never understand it.

00:23:23.200 --> 00:23:25.599
And it changes as these children grow.

00:23:25.839 --> 00:23:32.319
No one would have thought being the parent of adult children would be difficult, but really there are struggles we all go through.

00:23:32.640 --> 00:23:36.960
You know, I that just I want to put in a plug for this new book.

00:23:37.759 --> 00:23:40.640
My friend it's your kids are grown.

00:23:41.200 --> 00:23:43.359
Parenting 2.0.

00:23:43.759 --> 00:23:44.960
And the author is Francine.

00:23:46.160 --> 00:23:46.799
Yes, Dr.

00:23:46.880 --> 00:23:48.319
Francine Toder.

00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:50.480
That's someone I should talk to, I bet.

00:23:50.720 --> 00:23:51.680
Yes, you should.

00:23:52.240 --> 00:23:52.559
I should.

00:23:52.720 --> 00:23:54.000
I've got to get that book.

00:23:54.240 --> 00:23:55.279
Yeah, that sounds great.

00:23:55.359 --> 00:23:57.599
I will put a link to that in the episode notes too.

00:23:57.839 --> 00:23:58.079
Yeah.

00:23:58.400 --> 00:24:03.599
Her book is a primer for how to communicate with your adult children.

00:24:03.759 --> 00:24:05.839
I read it and it was so helpful.

00:24:05.920 --> 00:24:10.559
I wrote a review for Grand Magazine because I just thought it was such a valuable book.

00:24:10.880 --> 00:24:11.599
Thank you so much.

00:24:11.759 --> 00:24:12.960
That sounds really wonderful.

00:24:13.119 --> 00:24:13.440
All right.

00:24:13.519 --> 00:24:15.359
So I want to get towards the end here.

00:24:15.519 --> 00:24:19.200
Before I do your wrap-up, I told you I wanted to do this little lightning round.

00:24:19.359 --> 00:24:22.640
I'm going to ask you a few questions and I want quick answers.

00:24:22.880 --> 00:24:23.759
So are you ready?

00:24:23.920 --> 00:24:24.559
I'm ready.

00:24:25.440 --> 00:24:27.200
Practical takeaways for our listeners.

00:24:27.359 --> 00:24:30.319
What's the worst mistake a new grandparent can make?

00:24:31.119 --> 00:24:33.599
Not respecting the parents' rules.

00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:34.960
You'll lose their trust.

00:24:35.440 --> 00:24:35.920
Perfect.

00:24:36.079 --> 00:24:40.400
What's the most important thing you can do to support your adult children as parents?

00:24:41.359 --> 00:24:44.880
Validate your children's hard work and be a team player.

00:24:45.359 --> 00:24:46.480
Good job.

00:24:47.039 --> 00:24:51.119
In one sentence, what's the secret to being a beloved grandparent?

00:24:51.519 --> 00:24:58.480
Show up with unconditional love, genuine interest, and joy without judgment or agenda.

00:24:59.039 --> 00:24:59.599
Love it.

00:24:59.759 --> 00:25:00.079
Okay.

00:25:00.480 --> 00:25:05.359
What's the best way to repair things if you've overstepped or said the wrong thing?

00:25:05.680 --> 00:25:08.720
I've always joked that you need to learn how to practice.

00:25:08.880 --> 00:25:10.400
I'm so sorry.

00:25:10.880 --> 00:25:12.880
Because you're going to need it a lot.

00:25:13.279 --> 00:25:14.000
And yeah.

00:25:14.079 --> 00:25:17.279
And then, you know, what can I do to make this better?

00:25:17.599 --> 00:25:18.000
Yep.

00:25:18.240 --> 00:25:22.319
One thing every grandparent should stop doing immediately.

00:25:22.640 --> 00:25:24.640
Well, it's kind of the title of your show.

00:25:24.880 --> 00:25:25.279
Right.

00:25:26.559 --> 00:25:30.799
Stop giving unsolicited advice unless it's asked for.

00:25:31.359 --> 00:25:32.480
Bite your tongue.

00:25:32.720 --> 00:25:36.079
One thing every grandparent should start doing today.

00:25:36.480 --> 00:25:44.000
Listen to your adult children and listen to what they're thinking and feeling and get to know them.

00:25:44.319 --> 00:25:44.960
So important.

00:25:45.039 --> 00:25:46.480
You've been so wonderful.

00:25:46.720 --> 00:25:53.200
If you want to give us two or three takeaways that you want everyone to remember from this conversation with you, what would they be?

00:25:53.519 --> 00:25:59.680
Number one, the relationship with your adult children is the most important relationship.

00:25:59.839 --> 00:26:06.720
So many grandmas go into their relationship with their grandchild and think, oh my God, this is so wonderful.

00:26:06.880 --> 00:26:11.440
I even made the mistake of rushing past my daughter one time when I went to visit.

00:26:11.680 --> 00:26:12.240
You're right.

00:26:12.400 --> 00:26:14.799
You're so excited to see the baby, you forget.

00:26:14.960 --> 00:26:15.200
Yeah.

00:26:15.359 --> 00:26:19.119
Remember to hug them first before you hug your grandchild.

00:26:19.440 --> 00:26:20.640
Okay, number two.

00:26:21.039 --> 00:26:26.160
I think learn your adult children's values and respect them.

00:26:26.640 --> 00:26:31.680
Then when your adult child complains about a problem, say, tell me more.

00:26:31.920 --> 00:26:36.480
I want to understand and refrain from being a problem solver.

00:26:36.720 --> 00:26:39.279
Sometimes all they want to do is vent.

00:26:39.519 --> 00:26:40.640
You're absolutely right.

00:26:40.799 --> 00:26:41.680
Thank you so much.

00:26:41.920 --> 00:26:49.519
I just want to remind everyone again about the Daga Sisterhood and also about your book, When Being a Grandma Isn't So Grand.

00:26:49.759 --> 00:26:53.440
Four Keys to L-O-V-E, Your Grandchild's Parents.

00:26:53.599 --> 00:26:55.759
And also that other book we'll talk about.

00:26:55.920 --> 00:26:58.960
This was really short and sweet, and exactly what I wanted for this.

00:26:59.039 --> 00:27:00.960
Donnie, thank you so much for your time.

00:27:01.039 --> 00:27:02.319
It was really terrific.

00:27:02.559 --> 00:27:03.680
It was fun, Denise.

00:27:03.920 --> 00:27:06.160
I love talking about this, as you can tell.

00:27:06.400 --> 00:27:08.720
I can tell, and you're so good at it.

00:27:08.960 --> 00:27:09.519
Thank you.

00:27:09.599 --> 00:27:09.920
Thanks.

00:27:10.079 --> 00:27:11.920
I've had 22 years of experience.

00:27:12.160 --> 00:27:15.920
Right, and I've had five months, so I need your help.

00:27:16.240 --> 00:27:17.039
Thank you.

00:27:17.279 --> 00:27:18.640
Well, that's a wrap.

00:27:18.880 --> 00:27:20.319
Thank you so much, Donnie.

00:27:20.400 --> 00:27:24.559
But you can just tell by the way she speaks, her calmness, her experience.

00:27:24.720 --> 00:27:30.400
Me who's been in the grandparent era for five months, and her who's been there for two decades.

00:27:30.559 --> 00:27:31.519
She offered so much.

00:27:31.680 --> 00:27:33.599
I particularly love the lightning round.

00:27:33.759 --> 00:27:39.440
And her last little piece of advice: don't forget the most important relationship is with your adult child.

00:27:39.599 --> 00:27:42.000
Don't rush by them to grab the grandbaby.

00:27:42.160 --> 00:27:43.519
Give them a hug too.

00:27:43.759 --> 00:27:50.000
And I want to do a shout out to my audio engineer, Connie Gorant Fisher, who does such a wonderful job putting these together.

00:27:50.240 --> 00:27:56.720
And remember, as I said at the beginning of the episode, if you love what you're hearing, log on to BiteYourTonguePodcast.com.

00:27:56.880 --> 00:27:59.200
Just give us a small donation, five dollars.

00:27:59.359 --> 00:28:02.079
Click the support us tab, and you're all done.

00:28:02.319 --> 00:28:08.559
And as time goes on, and until the next episode, remember sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.