Oct. 17, 2025
Grandparenting Without Overstepping: Love, Boundaries, and Listening
Send us a text Please follow us on social media - FACEBOOK and INSTAGRAM -- we are building our brand and need your support! On to today's episode: The first hug goes to your adult child. That simple shift sets the tone for everything that follows—and it’s the heartbeat of our conversation with Donne Davis, founder of the Gaga Sisterhood, who’s spent two decades helping grandparents build steady, loving connections without overstepping. We dive into the messy, modern realities of grand...
Please follow us on social media - FACEBOOK and INSTAGRAM -- we are building our brand and need your support!
On to today's episode:
The first hug goes to your adult child. That simple shift sets the tone for everything that follows—and it’s the heartbeat of our conversation with Donne Davis, founder of the Gaga Sisterhood, who’s spent two decades helping grandparents build steady, loving connections without overstepping. We dive into the messy, modern realities of grand-parenting—new parenting norms, gift-giving traps, long-distance heartache, and the quiet art of biting your tongue—while keeping one mission clear: protect the bond with the parents so your relationship with the grandkids can thrive.
We unpack why curiosity beats advice, offering word‑for‑word scripts that help you stay close without taking control. From the “anthropologist mindset” for approaching different sleep and feeding choices to setting gentle house rules in your own home, Donne shows how specific praise, reflective listening, and calm boundaries earn trust. We also explore the maternal vs. paternal grandparent dynamic, how to handle in‑law tensions, and why sustainable gifting and secondhand finds can align beautifully with younger parents’ values.
Donne shares her L‑O‑V‑E framework and book - When Grand-parenting Isn't So Grand.
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Thank you to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.
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00:03 - The Most Important Relationship
00:26 - Welcome & Show Purpose
01:39 - Listener Support Request
01:39 - New Grandparent Moment
01:48 - Meet Donne Davis & Gaga Sisterhood
03:24 - Universal Grandparent Challenges
04:00 - Maternal vs Paternal Dynamics
05:46 - Starting On The Right Foot
07:25 - Expectations Shift And Reading Cues
09:20 - Near vs Long Visit Dynamics
10:24 - Modern Parenting Differences
12:05 - Anthropologist Mindset & Curiosity
14:18 - House Rules, Manners, And Meltdowns
16:24 - Gifts, Overgiving, And Consent
18:05 - Thrifting, Values, And Stuff
19:25 - Staying Close From Far Away
21:20 - Grandma Amelia’s Legacy
22:50 - Parents As Gatekeepers To Connection
24:24 - The L‑O‑V‑E Framework
27:04 - Identity Shift And Inner Work
WEBVTT
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The relationship with your adult children is the most important relationship.
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So many grandmas go into their relationship with their grandchild and think, oh my god, this is so wonderful.
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I even made the mistake of rushing past my daughter one time when I went to visit.
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Remember to hug them first before you hug your grandchild.
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Hey everyone, welcome to Bite Your Tongue the Podcast.
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Join me, your host, Denise Gorin, as we explore the ins and outs of building healthy relationships with our adult children.
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Together we'll speak with experts, share heartfelt stories, and get timely advice, addressing topics that matter most to you.
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Get ready to dive deep and learn to build and nurture deep connections with our adult children.
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And of course, when to bite our tongues.
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So let's get started.
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Hey everyone, welcome back to a brand new episode of Bite Your Tongue the Podcast.
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You should know that lately our inbox has been buzzing with your questions, ideas, and lots of love.
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Thank you so much.
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We're already working on bringing some great new guests to answer all the things you care about most.
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But now before we begin, I have to give a little shout out.
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If you listeners out there are liking what you're hearing, we'd love your support.
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Just head to biteyourtonguepodcast.com, click the support tab, and for as little as five bucks, you can give us a nod.
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If everyone listening did that, we'd be golden.
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We might even be able to go to lunch.
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All right, let's get rolling.
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As some of you know, I just became a grandparent.
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And when today's guest reached out about grandparenting wisdom, I thought, let's do it.
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So today we're thrilled to welcome Donnie Davis, founder of the Gaga Sisterhood, an international membership organization for enthusiastic grandmas who want to connect, grow, learn, and share.
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Donnie launched the Gaga Sisterhood in 2003, shortly after the birth of her first grandchild.
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Like many new grandmas, she was completely gaga.
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And I have to say I'm a little gaga too.
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But she also realized she wasn't the only one navigating the joys and challenges of today's modern grandparenting.
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For the past 20 years, she's been inspiring grandmothers.
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She's the author of When Being a Grandmother Isn't So Grand: Four Keys to L-O-V-E, Your Grandparents' Parents, a practical guide to navigating the most common challenges in grandparent today.
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The book is available on Amazon, and we'll put a link to it in our episode notes.
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We're excited to dive into her wisdom on how to balance love, boundaries, and realistic expectations while building the kind of family and relationships we want.
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Welcome, Donnie.
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We're so glad to have you with us.
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I'm delighted to be here.
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Well, good.
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Let's start with your own story.
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What I love about having you on about the whole grandparent thing is you've been in the trenches for much longer than a lot of us newbies.
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So you're going to have a lot to offer.
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So what inspired you to create this whole grandparent, what do you call it?
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Supported organization.
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Yeah, organization.
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Organization.
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And what has surprised you the most of the two decades of leading it?
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Well, what surprised me the most is how universal the problems are for all grandmas, no matter where they're from, whether they're from another country, whether they're from a different background, it's always the same problems.
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Like the parenting rules are very different than when we were parents.
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The gifts, you got to be very careful of the gifts.
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Food is a big issue, sleep is different, and boundaries.
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They're all things that no matter who you are as a grandma, you're most likely going to experience these.
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And the other thing that was really surprising to me is that there's a difference between being a maternal grandma and being a paternal grandma.
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Now that's a generalization.
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I would love you to share a little more about that because I have a son and a daughter.
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My daughter's the one with the child.
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And I've said to people, I think it must be really different when it's your daughter versus your son.
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So share a little bit about that.
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The bond between the mother and daughter is very strong.
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I think that maternal grandmas do have some advantage in that respect.
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But if you get lucky and you're a paternal grandma and you have a wonderful daughter-in-law like I do, she includes you in everything and you feel like you have a good relationship.
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But often the daughter-in-laws can be really difficult.
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I just was responding to a grandma today who wrote to me, pouring her heart out about what a horrible daughter-in-law she has.
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And she says, you know, usually the jokes are about the mother-in-law, but she says this daughter-in-law is just cruel and mean and leaves her out.
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And there's often a lot you can't do about that.
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Yeah, you probably can't.
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I think everything I've learned from doing these interviews is you have to look inside yourself too.
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If you have this feeling that your daughter-in-law is being very cruel or keeping you out, you need to figure out what some of your actions are too.
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What could you be doing that could be contributing to this and trying to come to a uh middle ground, I guess.
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I never think it's one-sided.
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And yet I'm sure in many instances it is.
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I would agree.
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A lot of times grandmas try their hardest, but they're just dealt a bad hand, like to say.
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Well, you talk in your book, and I mentioned your book in the intro, and I'll mention it again at the end, but getting off on the right foot.
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Your daughter or your son's about to have a baby, maybe it differs in each case.
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What are the steps a new grandparent should take to get off on the right foot?
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Remember that communication is the key.
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Learn how to be a good communicator and especially a good listener.
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So ideally, you would sit down before the new baby arrives and say, I'm so excited to become a grandma.
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And I'm just curious, like, how do you see me in this role?
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That would be the first thing.
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The second would be here's my expectations of what I would love.
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I would love to be able to visit once a week.
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I would love to babysit.
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I really want to be engaged and involved in your lives and start with that.
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And then what are your expectations?
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How do you see me being in this role?
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You know, yeah, the second person that said that, and I just want to discuss this a little bit, because I don't think the parents to be know exactly what they want.
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No.
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When you typically say, I'd like to be involved, the response tends to be, oh, we really want you involved.
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We can't wait for you to be involved.
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And all of a sudden you hear that and you act on it.
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It's like, whoa, you're here too much, or you're saying too much, or maybe you need to go home now.
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So I'm not 100% sure they know what they want.
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You're right.
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And they may want something and then change their mind because the whole process is just it's growth.
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Remember when you were a parent and you were so excited because you're in this rhythm and everything was going so well, and then all of a sudden it changed?
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Yeah.
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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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At three months, six months, nine months, and twelve months.
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Yeah.
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Everything changes.
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And the same thing happens with parents.
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They say, Oh, we don't want you around so much.
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And then all of a sudden it becomes overwhelming.
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They say, Well, you know, maybe we'd like you to babysit more often.
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Or it could go the other way, or they say, We're getting a little bit too much in our lives.
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I don't know, you know, if they would actually say that.
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But you have to really, I think, be such a good nuanced listener to pick up cues because a lot of times there's some unspoken stuff that is just too uncomfortable to say.
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And you have to watch for those cues.
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And I think, particularly in my situation and my parents' situation when my kids were young, they lived somewhere else.
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So when they came to visit, the time is so intense.
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And I think that's so much harder because you want to embrace this time, but you don't want to step on their toes.
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It's a very difficult kind of visit.
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Whereas if they can call, can you come over for an hour?
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It's a much more relaxed experience and relaxed relationship.
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It is.
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But you know, you make the best of what you have.
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That's what I say.
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Don't wish for something that you can't have.
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Yeah.
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Be happy with what you have and make the best of it and figure out what's the most creative way to spend this time.
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The thing that I think is hard is when the parents come to visit you and they want to see their old friends when they're visiting.
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And then you have to share them.
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That's challenging.
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Yeah, that's challenging too.
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I also wonder as we're talking about this, everyone talked about their parents when they had kids.
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I complained about my mother.
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I complained about my mother-in-law.
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But I look back and I think, gosh, they were actually pretty doggone good.
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I don't remember them ever saying, you should feed your baby this or you should put your baby down now.
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They didn't seem to struggle with these things like we do.
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Do you think because the changes are greater?
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Definitely.
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Definitely.
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Definitely.
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Because I think we were probably more similar to our parents in parenting styles than our children are.
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I was fascinated and a little judgmental when I became a grandma and I saw that my daughter was embracing this attachment parenting.
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And I had never heard of it before, but she was carrying the baby around 24-7 in a Moby wrap and sleeping with the baby.
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And I thought, oh my gosh, no wonder you're tired.
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But I didn't say anything.
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I was very good about trying not to be judgmental.
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What I tell parents is pretend you're an anthropologist and you're studying this new culture, and it's so fascinating to you because it's so different.
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And then ask questions in a curious but not judgmental way because a lot of it's going to be so different.
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I love this.
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So walk me through this.
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And I've talked to two different couples about this.
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One pediatrician says, the baby's in your room till six months, another pediatrician says, keep your baby in the room for a year.
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How would I approach this if I saw my daughter or my son-in-law or my son really tired?
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The baby's in the room all the time.
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They're not getting any time together.
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How would an anthropologist talk about this?
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Again, lead with curiosity.
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Wow, you know, you look exhausted.
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How are you sleeping?
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And then wait to see what they say.
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Oh my God, the baby in our room is just getting really old.
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Oh, what makes you think you need to keep the baby in the room?
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What are your parenting theories on that?
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Listen to what they have to say, but don't say, Oh, yeah, you know, you should follow that theory.
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Right.
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I think you just have to refrain from offering advice and they have to figure it out themselves.
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I call them the team captains.
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They set the rules, you respect them.
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If they don't seem to look like they're doing well, well, sometimes you just have to let them suffer the consequences.
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I really think that's better than saying, Oh, have you thought about moving the baby into their own room?
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How about when they get older and their little brats come over, they have no manners, they're talking back to their parents, they're yelling at their parents, you don't say a word.
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You say, Oh, I love having them.
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I think that when they're in your house, that you can say, you know what, in grandma's house, we don't touch things that are on the shelves.
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Or in grandma's house, we sit quietly at the table.
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If you're visiting their house, so you're from out of town and you're visiting their house and you see this disarray of you just have to zip it.
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I think so.
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You can certainly try, see what happens.
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Well, I don't think you should try.
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You may never be invited back.
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So I'm not sure that's the best.
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Maybe in the backyard when you're with the child by themselves, you can sit down.
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Oh, yeah.
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My mother used to do the best job.
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We'd sit at the table, and it was kind of her thing to do manners with the kids.
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And it was so great.
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And they think back and they remember Nana saying, strong and able, no elbow.
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I love that she just took over and did it because they listened to her more than they were going to listen to me.
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When it comes to manners, hopefully you have them in your house, and then you can say, these are the ways that we like to sit at the table.
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We like to keep our elbows off the table, or we like to use this spoon, or we don't have our hands in the food.
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You can do all that when they get a little bit older.
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You know what?
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Be a good role model.
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And then I always say, if you catch them doing something that you think is right, oh, I love the way you're just sitting so quietly at the table.
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If someone has a meltdown, the four-year-old has a meltdown, you don't say anything, you let the parent handle it, I would assume.
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Unless the parent really looks like they're struggling, and you could say, I'm here if you need me.
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Yeah, that makes sense.
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Offer your help and say, I'm here if you need me.
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You know, another thing would be to say, maybe afterward, wow, that looks so hard.
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What is that like for you?
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Parents love to vent.
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They don't want your advice, they just want you to hear them.
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They want you to hear the suffering.
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That's why I say it's so important to listen to what parents have to say and to say, oh gosh, that wow, that meltdown.
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How do you that's so hard to handle?
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What do you do in that situation?
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Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea too.
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I would be more apt to say, you handled that so well.
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Yeah.
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You know, because I feel like anytime you give a compliment, oh, what a great job.
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And I think the compliments should be very specific.
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Like, I really love the way you picked up the baby and soothed her when she was having such a hard time.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Rather than just you did a good job.
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I loved how much love you were able to give that baby.
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That's really important.
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That's really important.
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Observe and and then reflect.
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Right.
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Now, one thing I really want to get into, and you brought this up at the beginning, is the overgiving.
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Every day a package arrives from grandma and grandpa, you show up with all this stuff.
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What's your advice on that?
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That's part of the conversation in the beginning.
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This is what I would say.
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I've heard that a lot of grandparents give the wrong gifts.
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I don't want to be guilty of that.
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What's your thinking on what do you want me to give?
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Experiences or certain kinds of toys or nothing at all?
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Give me a list or tell me what's the best way to give my grandchild presents.
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Yeah, I love that.
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And that's kind of what I've been doing.
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But I'll be in a store and I'll see the cutest little sweater and I'll say, Oh, this would look so cute on him.
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And then I think, well, you know what?
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I don't want it to go to waste.
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Sometimes I'll take a picture and say, Is this something that seems cute to you?
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But yeah, that's good.
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I feel like my hands are tied to have any fun.
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Does that make sense?
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Well, how old is your grandson?
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My grandson's only five months old.
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Okay.
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Yes.
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Fun hasn't even started.
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I know, I know.
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But I just mean one.
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It's the first time I can walk into a baby store for so many years and look at cute things.
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That kind of fun.
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