March 13, 2026
Modern Grand Parenting, Boundaries and In-Law Dynamics
Are you a grandparent? If so, listen to this episode.
Boundaries, burnout, and big feelings—grand parenting can be a joy and a minefield at the same time. We invited Dee Dee Moore, founder of More Than Grand, to help us navigate the messy middle: when “free” childcare starts costing a family its energy, when in-law dynamics get prickly, and when love needs the guardrails of a clear agreement to thrive.
We start with a listener story about an eager grandmother who slid from helping to shouldering everything—until resentment and health issues made the arrangement unsustainable. Dee Dee helps the listener with her question and adds lots of tips when you are deciding to help with childcare.
Then we turn to feeling shut out by a daughter-in-law. Dee Dee reframes the “gatekeeper” idea and urges us to build a direct relationship with her as a person, not just our child’s spouse. We share examples of compliments that actually land, small trust-building gestures, and how counseling can open space when everyone is stuck.
We also tackle overbuying—why today’s parents want fewer things—and offer better ways to show love, from experiences to intentional support that fits their home and values.
Underneath it all is an identity shift: moving from fixer to “privileged bystander,” present and steady without calling the shots. We discuss preventing estrangement with early expectation-setting, learning modern safety and care practices, and staying curious instead of reactive. If you’re a new or seasoned grandparent looking for clarity, scripts, and a calmer path forward, this conversation offers tools you can use today.
If this resonated, tap follow, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review—your support helps more families find their footing.
Don't forget about our listening line at 719.347.1106.
We hope all of you will call to share their stories, ideas, episodes they liked or did not like. We'd like to begin answering these questions in each episode. So give us a call now at
719-347-1106.
We are on SUBSTACK now too - with "Behind the Mic." We talk about how the episode resonated with us and share some inside scoop that you won't want to miss.
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Huge thanks to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.
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00:00 - Welcome And Listener Questions
01:51 - Meet Dee Dee Moore And Her Work
02:55 - Redefining The Grandparent Role
07:25 - Listener Story: Burnout From Free Childcare
11:05 - Setting Boundaries And Hard Conversations
13:45 - Building A Family Childcare Agreement
17:20 - Why “Free” Care Gets Expensive
21:20 - Practical Help: Tools, Routines, Backups
24:01 - Listener Story: Shut Out By Daughter-In-Law
27:10 - Strengthening The In-Law Relationship
30:21 - Gifts, Consumerism, And Overbuying
33:00 - Identity Shift And Letting Go
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Hey everyone, welcome to Bite Your Tongue the Podcast.
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Join me, your host, Denise Gorin, as we explore the ins and outs of building healthy relationships with our adult children.
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Together we'll speak with experts, share heartfelt stories, and get timely advice, addressing topics that matter most to you.
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Get ready to dive deep and learn to build and nurture deep connections with our adult children.
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And of course, when to bite our tongues.
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So let's get started.
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Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Bite Your Tongue.
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I'm your host, Denise Gorrand.
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And I have to say, I say this a lot at the beginning of every episode, but I'm truly excited about today's episode.
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And of course, our guest.
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We're answering a couple of listener questions that came through the Bite Your Tongue listener line.
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And just a reminder: if you have a question or story you'd like us to tackle, you can call us at 719-347-1106.
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Everything is confidential.
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Just share what's on your mind and we'll take it from there.
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Now let's get to today's episode and our guest.
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If you're on Instagram and not following Dee Dee Moore, the founder of More Than Grand, you're truly missing something special.
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Dee Dee is one of the most grounded, sane voices on social media, which says a lot because most of you know I don't like social media so much, but I listened to Dee Dee.
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I reached out to Dee Dee after receiving two questions about grandparenting, boundaries, and in-law dynamics that really stopped me in my tracks.
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And she generously agreed to join us.
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The first listener wrote about something many families are navigating right now.
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Grandparents providing regular, sometimes full-time childcare.
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The second listener feels increasingly shut out by her son's wife since the birth of their baby.
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At its core, the episode is about boundaries and relationships as our adult children build their own families.
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And that's exactly why Dee Dee is here.
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She understands that modern grandparenting is not a sentimental role, but a complex, evolving relationship that requires clarity, compassion, and courage.
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And many times biting our tongues.
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So welcome, Dee Dee.
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You can't imagine how happy I am to have you with us today.
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I've told you how much I love you on Instagram, and you're probably the only person I listen to.
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So thanks for joining.
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Well, that is a high compliment indeed.
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Thank you so much for inviting me, Denise.
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I'm really looking forward to this conversation.
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Yeah, it should be interesting.
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We have some great listener questions.
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But before we get into the nitty-gritty, I want you to tell me a little bit about yourself and how you created this more than grand, I guess, group.
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I only watch you on Instagram.
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Are you on Facebook too?
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And TikTok.
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I'm on Facebook and TikTok and You are, okay.
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And I put videos up on YouTube also.
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So tell us a little bit about how you got into all this.
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I was working as a communications consultant several years ago, and I was having trouble managing all of the deadlines that other people had for me to do that job well and be there for my family in the ways that I wanted to be.
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I was a new grandmother.
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I had children in college and lots of demands on my time.
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So I decided to stop working as a communications consultant.
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And it took me about two weeks to get bored.
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I decided I wanted to start a blog, and I started a blog about grandparenting because I just didn't find a resource out there that talked about what new grandparents need to know to do the job well, to really support parents and create the kinds of relationships with parents and grandchildren that are important.
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With the communications background, that helped me build the website and also get the message across that it is communication that's really important.
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It very quickly became apparent that I was sharing a message that people really needed to hear.
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Things just kept growing.
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That's about six years ago now that that happened, and now it's a thriving website.
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And so many followers, so many followers.
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Let me ask you a question.
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You became a new grandparent then around six or seven years ago, I'm assuming, or was it earlier than that?
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It's nine at this time.
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Oh, nine at the time.
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What mistakes did you make initially that made you realize, ooh, this is a whole new world out there?
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I had a big advantage.
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I come from a big family that is really spread out in age.
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So my grandson was born just seven years after one of my nieces.
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I was aware of how much changes from not only generation to generation, but just from year to year as far as what parenting involves, what's the advice is to new parents.
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That gave me a really big advantage when I came into being a grandparent.
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But I did have the shift that we all need to make, which is recognizing that being a grandparent is very different from being a parent.
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It's something that we need to approach as a new role and learn about it.
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And that was something that caused me to start the blog in the first place because there wasn't somewhere to learn that, to learn what's important to know, how to prepare for this role, which is very different.
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Grandparents say all the time that this is one of the most important, most rewarding roles that they have in life.
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And yet we all assume that we can just go into it with no preparation.
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There's not a single other role out there that we would go into thinking that we knew everything we needed to know about it.
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Isn't that so funny that you say that?
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Because even going into parenting, you read so many books before you're a parent, you think about how to parent, what to do, and yet you figure you've been a parent, so how hard could it be to be a grandparent?
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But you are so right.
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I became a new grandparent just nine months ago.
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I made a lot of mistakes at the beginning, mostly because of overexcitement.
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And realizing immediately, I'm very lucky I'm have a very good relationship with my daughter, but I could be open about those mistakes.
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Everyone said to me, having a grandbaby is such an amazing experience.
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What I realized is what makes it an amazing experience, at least for me, is that you play with them so directly.
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When you have many children, you were on to another task.
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Not that you weren't loving and caring, but the one on one, yeah, the one-on-one you have with a grandchild is remarkable.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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And the fact that you aren't responsible for every aspect of their care and nurturing and shaping their personality, you're not responsible for any of that.
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You first of all, you have the perspective to know that there's very little you can do to shape their personality, right?
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Right.
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That's true.
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You also don't have those day-to-day responsibilities so that you really can just focus on the relationship.
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Sometimes that can also be a problem, just in the whole thing of the adult child parent relationship, because you're watching your child and her spouse or his spouse do that, and you're thinking, Oh, I would never do that, or they need to do this, but you can't say anything.
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So sometimes that can also be a problem and not a gift.
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Absolutely.
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You need to really be able to step back and let them figure it out.
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That can be so hard to do.
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That's why we call the podcast Bite Your Tongue.
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Yes.
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Okay, let's get on to these listener questions.
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I told you a little bit about it beforehand.
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The first listener question begins with an energetic, well-intentioned grandmother who desperately wanted to help with child care for this listener and her siblings.
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At the time, her mother had a part-time job working from home, but she was eventually fired.
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The listener says, in part because the babies were a distraction.
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The loss pushed her mother into full-throttled granny daycare.
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She jumped in wholeheartedly, physically, financially, and emotionally, but she never sets limits for herself.
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Now she's burned out and dealing with health issues, but refuses to acknowledge the toll it's taken and the resentment that's built.
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She has a that's just what moms do attitude.
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As our children's needs have grown and gone beyond what my mom can provide.
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Any conversation about heart-handing care or preschool press turns into guilt.
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When we try to set boundaries or intimate rules, she becomes defensive and things that feel emotionally fresh.
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We don't want to hurt her, but we also want to do what we want with our children.
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And our flexing isn't our children's making her feel attacked.
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Like we don't think she's gonna be a job, and we don't appreciate the sacrifices she has made.
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Even if we'd rather she has taken care of herself and not make the sacrifices that we didn't have.
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And it's affecting the sibling relationship too.
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Because my sibling is using more of the grandma and daycare time, she passed out by the time that I need her.
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So I feel like I'm not getting any of that help.
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So my questions are how do families navigate these grandparents and childcare situations?
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How do adult children let their parents know that we need honesty when it comes to their capabilities and it's okay to prioritize their own health, finances, and time?
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How do we communicate that taking on childcare is a different beast and it requires routine and rules compared to just having a fun day with grandma?
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I really love the podcast.
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Thank you.
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So let's talk about what they can do now, but then I want to go back to when this begins for a family, what they can do to set it up more properly.
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What they can do now is very difficult because they now have a problem that's not going to be solved in an easy way.
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The boundary has to be set, and the conversation is going to be difficult.
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I think for grandparents, there is that danger in making your whole identity based on your grandchildren.
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We see this even when grandparents are not providing regular care for them.
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Their grandchildren are their whole life, and that's not healthy for any of us.
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We should not go into any relationship and put all of our eggs in that basket.
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We need to have other interests and other people in our lives to have a healthy life.
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For this grandmother especially, I think her kids need to let her know that it's not a repudiation of who she is or how important she is.
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They need to help her find some other ways to channel that energy.
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And maybe they can go to a part-time arrangement for a while.
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Maybe it can be one day a week or just in the afternoons, or whatever might work so that she gets the break she really needs, and the kids can get what they need as well.
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Are there words you can advise them to use when they approach their mother?
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Because it sounds like whatever they say, she may retaliate.
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This just went through my mind.
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Come to a pediatrician appointment one time with the parents and talk to the pediatrician beforehand.
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The pediatrician could say, what a great gift this was, but it would be great for the kids to start having some different experiences so that the advice would come from an expert.
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What do you think about that?
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I think that's a great idea.
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I know another resource for these parents, there's a wonderful book called The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher.
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Okay.
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It's really about how to have these hard conversations.
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It gives you some really great guidelines for going into a conversation like this.
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I think one thing that I can say is for the kids to go to the mother and ask grandma, tell us what you're feeling.
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Tell us why this is so important to you.
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Have them really listen to her because obviously it's hugely important.
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When she reacts with defensiveness or anger, it's because she feels like they're not listening to her.
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They don't hear what she wants to say.
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That listening is an important part of any conversation.
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When you want to get your point across, you need to start by listening to the other person.
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That's so true.
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Okay, so let's go to the beginning when you have your baby and mom or dad or whoever it might be, Auntie offers this wonderful gift of childcare.
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People always say, set boundaries, plan it beforehand.
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What does that entail?
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How do you do that?
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I have a post about this on my blog.
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So you need to set boundaries about things like who's going to be making the food?
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Who's going to be preparing, providing the meals?
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What is nap time going to look like?
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What are your expectations for the baby's day?
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Will they be at your house or at grandma's house?
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What if grandma's sick?
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Will grandma get time off?
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Will grandma be paid?
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Because you know, some people give up their jobs so that they can provide child care.
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Anything that you would work out with a nanny agency with a daycare, you need to work out with grandma or grandpa.
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You need to spell everything out and have an actual agreement.
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And then you also have to have regular check-ins.
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So after the first month, hey, how's it going?
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What's been hard?
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What's been good?
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What can we do to make things easier?
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And everybody, again, needs to listen to each other.
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I was gonna say that listen is probably the most important thing during this conversation.
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This sounds so formal for a family.
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It does sound formal for a family, but it avoids so many problems.
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I had a good friend who was caring for her granddaughter one day a week, and it was the highlight of her day.
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She had not become a grandmother until she was 70.
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She had waited a long time, and this was just the best thing.
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She was gonna travel for three weeks, and that was great.
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The family found a backup for her for the time that she was gone.
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But when she got back, she was sick.
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She was sick for two weeks.
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At that point, the family said, We just realized we just can't count on you.
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So we're just gonna put her in daycare that day, too.
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She was crushed, absolutely crushed, because there hadn't been something in place to navigate when things didn't go as planned.
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I wonder in that case, and again, I adhere to you, you're the expert.
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My grandson is in childcare and doesn't live nearby.
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So when we go to visit, and we usually try to rent an Airbnb, thankfully we can do that, because I hate to all be on top of each other.
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They will let us just pick him up from daycare or pick him up from the house for that day and he'll skip daycare.
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Well, they have the backup there.
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Maybe every so often she can say, This month, can I take him for a day or two out of the daycare?
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That's the only way I think you could probably deal with that.
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It would be less pressure on the mom to have to be there every time because there's a backup in place.
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Exactly.
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For the grandma, I mean.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Right.
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Okay.
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Right.
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Well, and less pressure on the mom too, because she doesn't have to be able to do that.
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Yeah, that's right, just a poor.
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That's exactly right.
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That's right.
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So why is this free child care sometimes the most expensive option emotionally?
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Because it just can damage a family's relationship so much.
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Yeah.
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Um because people can feel as though they're being taken advantage of.
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We can have so much trouble setting boundaries sometimes that we don't realize how resentful we're getting until it's too late.
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And that can happen on either side.
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I had one grandparent write to me who said, I cannot physically keep up with these children, but my daughter will not put them in daycare.
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She doesn't want to give them their vaccinations, so they can't be in daycare.
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She pays me$60 a month to watch a newborn and a three-year-old.
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I just can't do it.
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But I'm afraid if I say anything to her that she won't let me see them anymore.
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What's the answer to that?
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The answer to that is grandma's got to find a way to help them get these children into daycare because she had serious health issues at this point.
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And it was just too much of a problem for her to be providing care.
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She wasn't providing the care that these kids needed.
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You sometimes think, because I sometimes think this, my kids don't understand how old I am.
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When you are an energetic grandparent and able to do things, travel, take hikes, ride your bike, whatever it might be, you still are more exhausted than they will ever be taking care of a baby for a full day.
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And I don't think they get it completely.
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No, I don't think so.
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And you know what?
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We don't get that until we've done it.
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I know there was a period of time a couple years ago that I had to step in to help my son and his wife, my daughter-in-law, got sick.
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So I was in charge of the three kids.
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They were three, five, and seven.
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All the meals, all the getting them to school, all the everything, all the laundry.
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After about two days, I called my husband.
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I said, You've got to get down here because she's not getting better and it's gonna be a while.
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I'm gonna be here a while, and I am wiped out.
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I think that's so true.
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What's interesting because a friend of mine whose daughter lives overseas, and in some countries, it's very common for them to have a live-in nanny that travels with them and everything.
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They're not extremely wealthy, but it's just a common practice in this.
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My friend will say, Oh, yeah, she's coming to visit.
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She's bringing her nanny.
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I'm thinking, why does she need her nanny if you're there?
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And after having a grandchild, I realize how great it is to have that help.
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Anyone.
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Absolutely.
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An extra pair of hands I've gotten so that if my grandkids are coming to visit, I try to get one of their aunts to come too.
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