May 30, 2025
Setting Them Free: Parenting Adult Children with Love and Logic
Send us a text Dr. Charles Fay, CEO of Love and Logic, delivers a masterclass in parenting adult children with the perfect balance of love and accountability. Drawing from decades of experience and his family legacy in developing the Love and Logic approach, Dr. Fay shares transformative strategies that shift our focus from control to influence. At the heart of his message lies a powerful truth: "We can never consistently work harder on somebody else's life than they are." This principle cha...
Dr. Charles Fay, CEO of Love and Logic, delivers a masterclass in parenting adult children with the perfect balance of love and accountability. Drawing from decades of experience and his family legacy in developing the Love and Logic approach, Dr. Fay shares transformative strategies that shift our focus from control to influence.
At the heart of his message lies a powerful truth: "We can never consistently work harder on somebody else's life than they are." This principle challenges us to examine our enabling behaviors masked as care and instead embrace practices that foster true independence. Through relatable scenarios—like the adult child who needs $17,000 for a truck payment or returns home to play video games on the couch—Dr. Fay demonstrates his practical five-step approach that maintains connection while respecting autonomy.
The approach begins with genuine empathy, followed by the crucial question: "What do you think you're going to do?" This simple query hands responsibility back to adult children while communicating your belief in their capability.
When establishing boundaries with adult children living at home, Dr. Fay suggests focusing on two fundamentals: ensuring their situation doesn't interfere with their growth, and making sure their presence remains enjoyable for everyone. These boundaries, communicated with empathy and firmness, create the conditions for mutual respect and continued development.
Dr. Fay offers this memorable wisdom: "The more words I use when things are going wrong, the less effective I become."
Huge thank you to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.
Also remember to follow us on
Facebook
and
A new podcast from Top Hat delivering ideas, relief, and joy to the future of teaching.
Listen on: Apple Podcasts Spotify
The information provided by Bite Your Tongue The Podcast (“we,” “us,” or “our'') or biteyourtonguepodcast.com (the “Site” and our mobile application is for general informational purposes only. All information on the SITE or on the Podcast is for general informational purposes only. All information on the SITE and PODCAST is provided in good faith, however we make no representation or warranty of any kind, expressed, or implied regarding the accuracy, adequacy, validity, reliability, availability or completeness of any information the SITE or the PODCAST. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE SHALL WE HAVE ANY LIABILITY TO YOU FOR ANY LOSS OR DAMAGE OF ANY KIND INCURRED AS A RESULT OF THE USE OF THE INFORMATION PROVIDED BY GUESTS ON OUR PODCAST. YOUR USE OF THE SITE AND PODCAST AND YOUR RELIANCE ON ANY INFORMATION FROM THE SITE OUR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.
The site and podcast do not contain any medical/health information or advice. The medical/health information is for general information and educational purposes only and is not suitable for professional device. Accordingly, before taking any actions based upon such information, we encourage you to consult with the appropriate professionals. We do not provide any kind of medical/health advice. THE USE OF OR RELIANCE OF ANY INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THE SITE OR PODCAST IS SOLELY AT YOUR OWN RISK.
00:03 - Setting the Foundation for Independence
03:39 - Introduction to Love and Logic Approach
09:39 - Dr. Charles Fay's Background and Philosophy
15:17 - The Five Steps of Love and Logic
17:10 - [Ad] Higher Listenings: Joy for Educators
17:48 - (Cont.) The Five Steps of Love and Logic
27:34 - When to Step Back and Let Them Grow
32:19 - Handling Adult Children Living at Home
42:51 - Addressing Relationship Challenges with Adult Kids
49:51 - Final Takeaways and Practical Wisdom
WEBVTT
00:00:03.888 --> 00:00:05.852
Let's get something on the table right now.
00:00:05.852 --> 00:00:09.611
Our adult kids are responsible for their own lives.
00:00:09.611 --> 00:00:12.169
They're responsible for their own happiness.
00:00:12.169 --> 00:00:14.448
They're responsible for their own emotions.
00:00:14.448 --> 00:00:33.552
If we play the game in our hearts of blaming ourselves or allowing them to do that, we're allowing all of that to actually interfere with their ability to grow, because our guilt will come out in ways that cause enabling codependent behavior.
00:00:39.121 --> 00:00:39.843
Hello everyone.
00:00:39.843 --> 00:00:42.029
Welcome to Bite your Tongue the podcast.
00:00:42.029 --> 00:00:43.012
I'm Denise.
00:00:43.520 --> 00:00:50.887
And I'm Kirsten, and we hope you will join us as we explore the ins and outs of building healthy relationships with our adult children.
00:00:51.340 --> 00:00:58.406
Together, we'll speak with experts, share heartfelt stories and get timely advice addressing topics that matter most to you.
00:00:58.920 --> 00:01:06.887
Get ready to dive deep and learn to build and nurture deep connections with our adult children and, of course, when, to bite our tongues.
00:01:06.887 --> 00:01:08.391
So let's get started.
00:01:10.260 --> 00:01:11.623
Hello everyone, this is Denise.
00:01:11.623 --> 00:01:14.873
Welcome to another episode of Bite your Tongue, the podcast.
00:01:14.873 --> 00:01:18.087
It's late February, folks, and pretty cold in Denver.
00:01:18.087 --> 00:01:24.995
I don't know about you, but I am certainly ready for winter to end, so maybe this episode will warm us all up just a bit.
00:01:24.995 --> 00:01:30.709
We're very excited about today's guest and in a second, kirsten is going to tell you all about him.
00:01:30.709 --> 00:01:34.245
Before we get to that, I have to say two very quick things.
00:01:34.245 --> 00:01:37.231
The first is to thank all of you for listening.
00:01:37.231 --> 00:01:44.090
It means so much to us to know that you're here with us, learning and exploring all these interesting topics.
00:01:44.090 --> 00:01:46.155
We appreciate you so much.
00:01:46.155 --> 00:01:57.109
The second is we're using our new microphones today, the ones we were able to purchase because so many of you supported our podcast by buying us a virtual cup of coffee.
00:01:57.109 --> 00:02:02.530
It's been quite a struggle to get this sound perfect, so we hope we're moving in the right direction.
00:02:02.530 --> 00:02:05.125
So, kirsten, I've babbled on long enough.
00:02:05.125 --> 00:02:09.328
I know you're particularly excited about today's guest, so take it away.
00:02:10.049 --> 00:02:11.010
Thank you, denise.
00:02:11.010 --> 00:02:13.342
I'm a huge Love Logic fan.
00:02:13.342 --> 00:02:15.328
I have been for many, many years.
00:02:15.328 --> 00:02:19.183
It was founded by Jim Fay, and his son, charles, has taken it over.
00:02:19.183 --> 00:02:30.467
Basically, they created a trusted approach to parenting, one that makes sense, it's easy to digest as parents, with real techniques that you can put into play immediately.
00:02:30.467 --> 00:02:36.572
So you can imagine I pretty much fell off my chair when Denise told me that we were going to be interviewing Charles Fay.
00:02:37.219 --> 00:02:37.540
Kirsten.
00:02:37.540 --> 00:02:41.331
I was excited about landing him too, because I too heard a lot about Charles Fay.
00:02:41.331 --> 00:02:49.413
I know he's internationally known, but I wonder if it's more in Colorado, because he's a Colorado native I think three generation Colorado native.
00:02:49.413 --> 00:02:54.551
I was surprised to hear that, yeah, but I think it has a little bit of a more personal touch for you too.
00:02:55.961 --> 00:02:57.204
We've taken a few classes.
00:02:57.204 --> 00:03:04.973
We took the first toddler class and then because I'm a slow learner we took a refresher course when I think we had my third kid.
00:03:04.973 --> 00:03:13.524
Then we gathered a group of our friends who also had teenage kids and we put our own group together for a teenage class, which was amazing.
00:03:13.865 --> 00:03:16.169
What I'm really proud of is that you took these classes.
00:03:16.169 --> 00:03:21.632
Going to something like this and improving our techniques with our different children gives us a step up.
00:03:21.632 --> 00:03:23.024
We should get going.
00:03:23.024 --> 00:03:29.186
So it's my privilege today to introduce Dr Charles Fay, a co-founder and CEO of Love Logic.
00:03:29.186 --> 00:03:35.126
He himself is a parent, an internationally recognized author, consultant and public speaker.
00:03:35.126 --> 00:03:47.284
Millions of educators, health professionals and parents worldwide have benefited from these techniques, and now that they're moving into the world of young adults, we're going to benefit too.
00:03:47.284 --> 00:03:48.950
So welcome, dr Fay.
00:03:48.950 --> 00:03:54.426
Why don't you start by telling us a little bit more about yourself and tell us about the new book coming our way?
00:03:55.609 --> 00:03:56.471
Thank you so much.
00:03:56.471 --> 00:04:05.610
I feel so thankful to be with you to talk about Love Logic, because it's been a passion of ours for many decades.
00:04:05.610 --> 00:04:07.674
I am a dad.
00:04:07.674 --> 00:04:18.367
I need you to know, everybody know I have a son who's 41, who's almost 30, and one who came along as an incredible surprise blessing and he is almost 17.
00:04:18.367 --> 00:04:25.692
We've got the adult kids, we've got the teenagers and, of course, they were all newborns and toddlers at one point in time.
00:04:25.920 --> 00:04:27.199
I was raised with love and logic.
00:04:27.199 --> 00:04:35.014
In the 1970s, two men, Dr Foster Klein and my father, Jim Fay, started developing the approach.
00:04:35.014 --> 00:04:36.846
The rest is really history.
00:04:36.846 --> 00:04:39.048
We've been going strong at it all those years.
00:04:39.048 --> 00:04:47.673
My dad is 90, and I still just enjoy him so much and enjoyed my mom until she passed away.
00:04:47.673 --> 00:05:03.091
So that's really what we're so much about is how can we have those relationships where they're based on love and respect and helping our kids grow and be strong, thoughtful, independent people?
00:05:03.572 --> 00:05:22.380
I think that early on, there were probably some pretty impactful things that my parents did that really got me thinking wow, I ought to listen very carefully to them, and I remember one time I'm not doing my chores and they didn't yell at me or they didn't guilt me.
00:05:22.380 --> 00:05:49.002
It's just it was time to go to T-ball and I was already at my baseball glove and my mom said oh Charlie, this is so sad you didn't do your chores, I did them for you, but that burned up all my driving time and she didn't take me and I remember trying to be mad at her, but she was so nice about it that it created a bit of psychological conflict and really the listeners.
00:05:49.002 --> 00:05:51.064
I want everybody to come in close here.
00:05:51.064 --> 00:06:01.430
This is about loving our kids in ways where we can hold them accountable.
00:06:01.430 --> 00:06:03.593
My parents were very kind about it.
00:06:03.593 --> 00:06:08.596
I'm still irritated about it, but it was my decision that got me in trouble.
00:06:08.596 --> 00:06:13.247
It was my behavior that created this problem for me, and that's when change happens.
00:06:13.648 --> 00:06:19.668
And tell us about the book, because now you're moving into a little bit with young adults, which is what our listeners are most interested in.
00:06:19.668 --> 00:06:27.747
We also have to know if we didn't use love and logic Logic raising our children and now they're young adults we want to certainly address.
00:06:27.747 --> 00:06:29.031
Can we backpedal into it?
00:06:29.031 --> 00:06:33.791
But first tell us a little bit about the book and why you decided to move to the area of young adults.
00:06:34.461 --> 00:06:37.550
I am a psychologist and I started working with kids.
00:06:37.550 --> 00:06:41.569
I started seeing that the application for adults is so powerful.
00:06:41.569 --> 00:06:44.370
In fact, love Logic is really about relationship.
00:06:44.370 --> 00:06:47.300
For adults is so powerful.
00:06:47.300 --> 00:06:48.343
In fact, love Logic is really about relationship.
00:06:48.343 --> 00:06:59.456
It's how we can have really good boundaries with people, how we can love them in ways where we unleash them to reach their potential and we're not going to fight with them all about all the time.
00:06:59.456 --> 00:07:06.552
That's the sadness in so many adult relationships is there's so many power struggles and so many hard feelings.
00:07:06.552 --> 00:07:09.927
Here's the good news Today you can decide to stop.
00:07:09.927 --> 00:07:23.540
Today you can decide to realize that nobody wins a power struggle and that there are some really powerful ways of influencing people so that the odds go way up that they'll make great decisions.
00:07:23.540 --> 00:07:29.052
That's what we really want to focus on, I think, is influence rather than control.
00:07:29.939 --> 00:07:33.081
Can you give us an example of a situation financial independence.
00:07:33.081 --> 00:07:39.204
So your kid is 25, can't quite get his or her act together, needs money.
00:07:39.204 --> 00:07:40.464
You don't want them to be homeless.
00:07:40.464 --> 00:07:41.384
What's our approach?
00:07:41.384 --> 00:07:42.045
Homeless what's our approach.
00:07:42.084 --> 00:07:44.966
First thing is to ask what do they need in the long run?
00:07:44.966 --> 00:07:53.790
Through this lens, I'm thinking what is going to help them develop skills and self-respect?
00:07:53.790 --> 00:08:01.774
What's going to do that in the long run, knowing that, regardless of what I do in the short term, they might be a little upset with me.
00:08:01.774 --> 00:08:05.415
In fact, they might be pretty upset with me if I do the right thing.
00:08:05.415 --> 00:08:18.600
A young adult comes to me and says I owe $17,000 on my truck and you're thinking and it's okay to do that.
00:08:18.600 --> 00:08:20.463
By the way, that's a good skill from time to time to look at your kids and go.
00:08:20.463 --> 00:08:22.004
I don't know how to respond to that.
00:08:22.004 --> 00:08:23.947
I'm going to have to give that some thought.
00:08:23.947 --> 00:08:26.089
One thing I know for sure is I love you.
00:08:26.089 --> 00:08:31.696
So let's talk in a little while when I'm able to get my wits about me and I can handle this really well.
00:08:31.696 --> 00:08:34.589
And that's just called respect and being real.
00:08:34.589 --> 00:08:37.888
So don't feel like you have to have all the answers in the short term.
00:08:37.888 --> 00:08:38.548
Nobody does.
00:08:38.950 --> 00:08:39.852
I don't Okay.
00:08:39.852 --> 00:08:47.607
But let's say you get back together with the kid and the first step is empathy.
00:08:47.607 --> 00:08:48.471
I'm going to give you five steps right now.
00:08:48.471 --> 00:08:59.104
We're going to get really practical friends and you're going to use these five steps over and over again with your adult kids, your young kids, your employees, your boss who knows?
00:08:59.325 --> 00:09:00.006
Does it work with?
00:09:00.047 --> 00:09:00.729
spouses too.
00:09:00.729 --> 00:09:02.874
Does anything work yeah?
00:09:03.054 --> 00:09:03.777
Yeah, okay.
00:09:03.797 --> 00:09:04.018
Yeah.
00:09:04.520 --> 00:09:06.268
It's a little more delicate, I'd say.
00:09:06.268 --> 00:09:12.863
But it's such a great question because this is not about psychological manipulation, this is not about playing tricks on people.
00:09:12.863 --> 00:09:20.461
It's about a sincere relationship where we are empowering them to see the great leaders.
00:09:20.461 --> 00:09:28.611
Great parents, great spouses are always thinking how can I build this other person up so they don't need me, but they want to hang out with me.
00:09:28.611 --> 00:09:30.234
That's a blessing.
00:09:30.234 --> 00:09:32.135
So, anyway, empathy first.
00:09:32.135 --> 00:09:34.524
So, oh man, $17,000.
00:09:34.524 --> 00:09:35.748
Tell me about that, son.
00:09:35.748 --> 00:09:39.121
Well, you know, they said they're going to take it if I don't come up with them.
00:09:39.121 --> 00:09:42.048
I can't imagine how hard that must be.
00:09:42.708 --> 00:09:52.352
And so you're doing your best to demonstrate that you really care, because we know that people are more likely to listen to our ideas if they know that we truly care about them.
00:09:52.352 --> 00:09:53.965
You're holding back.
00:09:53.965 --> 00:09:55.105
I'll put it that way.
00:09:55.105 --> 00:10:02.094
You're saying I've got to connect with this kid, this young adult or this older adult before I share any information.
00:10:02.094 --> 00:10:05.028
Okay, so lots of empathy.
00:10:05.028 --> 00:10:08.923
And then you're ready to move on to step two.
00:10:08.923 --> 00:10:11.730
When they're kind of looking at you like, is that all you got?
00:10:11.730 --> 00:10:13.153
Then ask this question.
00:10:13.153 --> 00:10:13.980
This is step two.
00:10:15.784 --> 00:10:17.028
What do you think you're going to do.
00:10:17.028 --> 00:10:18.211
I love that.
00:10:18.211 --> 00:10:19.373
What do you think you're going to do?
00:10:20.360 --> 00:10:29.575
Yeah, crickets start chirping at this point when you ask that, because all of a sudden, this person is starting to process oh, this is my thing.
00:10:29.575 --> 00:10:43.508
See, what we're really doing here is handing the problem back in a loving way, but we're also sending a nonverbal message that is so powerful and encouraging, and the message is I believe in you.
00:10:44.980 --> 00:10:45.844
Like you can do it.
00:10:45.844 --> 00:10:47.789
You can do it kind of thing You're capable.
00:10:47.789 --> 00:10:48.881
Yeah Right, it's huge.
00:10:48.942 --> 00:10:51.730
Empowering them to make their own better decision.
00:10:52.679 --> 00:10:54.625
Love and logic is so big.
00:10:54.625 --> 00:10:59.780
High expectation messages to our kids, to our adult kids, to everybody.
00:10:59.780 --> 00:11:01.244
We know You're capable.
00:11:01.244 --> 00:11:03.668
Okay, what do you think you're going to do?
00:11:03.668 --> 00:11:06.773
And then they're going to look at you and probably say, I don't know, I don't know.
00:11:06.773 --> 00:11:07.835
That's why I'm asking you.
00:11:07.835 --> 00:11:10.883
They usually don't.
00:11:10.883 --> 00:11:15.464
They're not impressed when you ask that question a lot of times, but it's still the right thing to do.
00:11:16.144 --> 00:11:21.043
So the third step and I'm going to try to be a good teacher First step empathy.
00:11:21.043 --> 00:11:22.967
Second step what do you think you're going to do?
00:11:22.967 --> 00:11:47.562
Third step is no-transcript what.
00:11:47.562 --> 00:12:10.052
And I like to stop here, especially with adults, and say listen, the most important thing for me is that I care about you and I don't want to be bossy, I don't want to stick my nose into stuff that isn't my business, but because I love you, I think I have some ideas that might be helpful.
00:12:10.052 --> 00:12:11.538
Do you really want to hear them?
00:12:11.538 --> 00:12:17.941
Because I need you to tell me if you don't want to hear them and if the adult says you know, no, I got this, I'm good.
00:12:17.941 --> 00:12:19.524
I really don't want to hear what you have to say.
00:12:19.524 --> 00:12:20.445
Respect that.
00:12:21.066 --> 00:12:21.988
And you've done your job.
00:12:21.988 --> 00:12:27.020
They're leaving with the $17,000 debt that you're not taking any part of.
00:12:27.581 --> 00:12:28.845
Thank, you so much.
00:12:28.845 --> 00:12:30.467
That is such a great point.
00:12:30.467 --> 00:12:31.650
I mean you've done your job.
00:12:31.650 --> 00:12:35.548
Your job is to hand the problem back and to show you love them.
00:12:35.548 --> 00:12:37.072
Your job is not to solve the problem.
00:12:37.461 --> 00:12:37.681
Right.
00:12:38.602 --> 00:12:44.634
And really, I think you can say to yourself I'm off the hook now I offered.
00:12:44.634 --> 00:12:51.801
Most of the time, though, people will change their minds because they're kind of desperate, or they'll say, no, no, I really do want to hear.
00:12:51.801 --> 00:12:58.134
And then you can say, great, and so I just have maybe two or three ideas.
00:12:58.134 --> 00:13:01.945
And again, let's be clear that I'm not here to tell you what to do.
00:13:01.945 --> 00:13:05.692
Okay, so you'd like to hear them.
00:13:05.692 --> 00:13:07.677
So, some people?
00:13:07.677 --> 00:13:09.283
This is step four.
00:13:09.283 --> 00:13:13.972
You give them a menu of options and don't try to be brilliant with it.
00:13:13.972 --> 00:13:22.484
They don't have to be fantastic, earth-shattering ideas, just a little menu of options and then ask them how each will work for them.
00:13:23.024 --> 00:13:33.370
I guess that some people decide that they're going to go and talk with the financing people, the bank, and see if there's any other arrangements that can be made.
00:13:33.370 --> 00:13:34.552
What are your thoughts?
00:13:34.552 --> 00:13:35.926
How do you think that might work for you?
00:13:35.926 --> 00:13:37.125
Well, I already tried that.
00:13:37.125 --> 00:13:38.524
They don't even care.
00:13:38.524 --> 00:13:40.695
All they want is their money, right?
00:13:40.695 --> 00:13:42.717
Oh, that's hard.
00:13:42.717 --> 00:13:44.299
A little more empathy.
00:13:44.299 --> 00:13:47.943
Another thought I have are you still interested?
00:13:47.943 --> 00:13:51.548
See, I'm always checking that.
00:13:51.548 --> 00:14:09.514
That's important friends or other people they know who might be willing to help them out.
00:14:11.414 --> 00:14:14.581
Notice, this isn't a great idea by the way I just broke away from the conversation with the kid.
00:14:14.600 --> 00:14:15.803
Notice, this isn't a great idea.
00:14:15.803 --> 00:14:22.760
See, the beauty of not having great ideas to share is it forces the other person to be smarter.
00:14:22.760 --> 00:14:27.990
Sometimes we have such great ideas that the other person doesn't have to think.
00:14:27.990 --> 00:14:29.716
See, love and logic.
00:14:29.716 --> 00:14:36.798
People are more than willing to not be very bright if it'll help other people be a lot brighter.
00:14:37.480 --> 00:14:38.663
I've never thought about that.
00:14:38.663 --> 00:14:40.206
It's an interesting idea.
00:14:40.206 --> 00:14:43.883
That's hard to do because you're sitting there saying sell the.
00:14:43.883 --> 00:14:45.267
Thing thing.
00:14:45.346 --> 00:14:54.678
I mean, you know exactly what needs to happen, right, and as a parent, you're thinking, okay, here's what, here's the fantasy of what you want to say, which isn't the right thing.
00:14:54.678 --> 00:15:03.282
Let's be clear don't try this at home, okay, but but the fantasy, you know what, what's in your heart, which is actually the right answer?
00:15:03.282 --> 00:15:03.361
But?
00:15:03.361 --> 00:15:12.005
But the wrong tactic is oh, for Pete's sake, why did you buy the thing in the first place and then you put the bigger rims on it and you got the stereo?
00:15:12.005 --> 00:15:16.025
I mean, I did not raise you to think that money grows on trees.
00:15:16.025 --> 00:15:17.220
Are you listening?
00:15:17.279 --> 00:15:19.518
to me and 95% of us.
00:15:19.518 --> 00:15:25.763
I would say no, 100% of us have all said that at one time in our lives, and if we haven't, I'm shocked.
00:15:26.495 --> 00:15:34.001
I often say that human beings have a part of the brain called the lecture lobe and it remains dormant until we become parents.
00:15:34.001 --> 00:15:38.221
And then it just activates and it's got all the cliches for crying out loud.
00:15:38.221 --> 00:15:44.504
How many times do I have to tell you you don't know the sacrifices we've made, You're going to put your eye out, that kind of stuff.
00:15:44.504 --> 00:15:48.841
We can laugh about it and if you mess up, it's okay.
00:15:48.841 --> 00:15:51.625
I mean, let's get something on the table right now.
00:15:51.625 --> 00:15:55.360
Our adult kids are responsible for their own lives.
00:15:55.360 --> 00:15:57.927
They're responsible for their own happiness.
00:15:57.927 --> 00:16:00.178
They're responsible for their own emotions.
00:16:00.178 --> 00:16:19.186
If we play the game in our hearts of blaming ourselves or allowing them to do that, we're allowing all of that to actually interfere with their ability to grow, because our guilt will come out in ways that cause enabling codependent behavior.
00:16:19.186 --> 00:16:24.206
So we really have to be careful about remembering yeah, we did the best we could.
00:16:24.206 --> 00:16:27.664
Now they are responsible for their lives.
00:16:27.995 --> 00:16:29.077
What age do you say that?
00:16:29.077 --> 00:16:33.678
We've talked to a lot of people where they say this whole idea of sometimes it's not till 26.
00:16:33.678 --> 00:16:35.361
It used to be 18.
00:16:35.361 --> 00:16:36.203
You were an adult.
00:16:36.203 --> 00:16:38.408
Nowadays it's been extended.
00:16:38.408 --> 00:16:39.418
What do you think about that?
00:16:39.418 --> 00:16:43.154
And I also then want to go back to make sure we got all five and review those.
00:16:43.154 --> 00:16:43.996
I want to go back to that.
00:16:43.996 --> 00:16:46.501
But when you say they're an adult, they have to take care of themselves.
00:16:46.542 --> 00:16:53.121
When yeah Well, let's, let's think about it a different way, and then I'll answer your question.
00:16:53.243 --> 00:16:53.604
Okay.
00:16:53.783 --> 00:16:54.605
We could never.
00:16:54.605 --> 00:16:55.246
Okay.
00:16:55.246 --> 00:17:02.576
I'm going to say this loud and clear we can never consistently work harder on somebody else's life than they are.
00:17:02.798 --> 00:17:05.528
We can never consistently work harder on somebody else's life than they are.
00:17:05.528 --> 00:17:10.181
We can never consistently work harder on somebody else's life than they are, and as parents, we did a lot of that right.
00:17:10.201 --> 00:17:10.923
Yeah.
00:17:10.923 --> 00:17:14.489
And so now notice the language.
00:17:14.489 --> 00:17:19.626
Sometimes we do work harder on other people's lives because it's the right thing to do.
00:17:19.626 --> 00:17:22.317
They're in a crisis situation.
00:17:22.317 --> 00:17:24.260
They can't pull themselves out.
00:17:24.260 --> 00:17:29.789
We just, in our heart, know we need to be helicopters in this situation.
00:17:29.789 --> 00:17:37.555
If that's done occasionally, from time to time, when it's really needed, that's called being a kind, humane, good person.
00:17:37.555 --> 00:17:41.416
When we do it consistently, it's called sabotaging that other person's life because they'll become dependent on it.
00:17:41.416 --> 00:17:45.058
That other person's life because they'll become dependent on it.
00:17:45.058 --> 00:17:53.845
So this paradigm here of not working harder on a consistent basis informs everything we do.
00:17:54.884 --> 00:17:59.347
Let's answer the question when should we start backing away?
00:17:59.347 --> 00:18:16.601
We should start as soon as they are about seven years old, the oldest, where we start backing away, ideally speaking, allowing them to own stuff, and we step back and we hope and pray.
00:18:16.601 --> 00:18:24.585
They blow it every day and when they do, we say to ourselves oh, thank goodness, because of course I'm the kind of parent that doesn't allow mistakes that are life and death.
00:18:24.585 --> 00:18:25.707
We hope and pray.
00:18:25.707 --> 00:18:34.500
They make plenty of poor decisions about the small stuff so that as they're growing, they develop a good understanding of cause and effect about the bigger stuff.
00:18:34.500 --> 00:18:40.157
So now let's just say that I'm a parent.
00:00:03.888 --> 00:00:05.852
00:00:05.852 --> 00:00:09.611
00:00:09.611 --> 00:00:12.169
00:00:12.169 --> 00:00:14.448
00:00:14.448 --> 00:00:33.552
00:00:39.121 --> 00:00:39.843
00:00:39.843 --> 00:00:42.029
00:00:42.029 --> 00:00:43.012
00:00:43.520 --> 00:00:50.887
00:00:51.340 --> 00:00:58.406
00:00:58.920 --> 00:01:06.887
00:01:06.887 --> 00:01:08.391
00:01:10.260 --> 00:01:11.623
00:01:11.623 --> 00:01:14.873
00:01:14.873 --> 00:01:18.087
00:01:18.087 --> 00:01:24.995
00:01:24.995 --> 00:01:30.709
00:01:30.709 --> 00:01:34.245
00:01:34.245 --> 00:01:37.231
00:01:37.231 --> 00:01:44.090
00:01:44.090 --> 00:01:46.155
00:01:46.155 --> 00:01:57.109
00:01:57.109 --> 00:02:02.530
00:02:02.530 --> 00:02:05.125
00:02:05.125 --> 00:02:09.328
00:02:10.049 --> 00:02:11.010
00:02:11.010 --> 00:02:13.342
00:02:13.342 --> 00:02:15.328
00:02:15.328 --> 00:02:19.183
00:02:19.183 --> 00:02:30.467
00:02:30.467 --> 00:02:36.572
00:02:37.219 --> 00:02:37.540
00:02:37.540 --> 00:02:41.331
00:02:41.331 --> 00:02:49.413
00:02:49.413 --> 00:02:54.551
00:02:55.961 --> 00:02:57.204
00:02:57.204 --> 00:03:04.973
00:03:04.973 --> 00:03:13.524
00:03:13.865 --> 00:03:16.169
00:03:16.169 --> 00:03:21.632
00:03:21.632 --> 00:03:23.024
00:03:23.024 --> 00:03:29.186
00:03:29.186 --> 00:03:35.126
00:03:35.126 --> 00:03:47.284
00:03:47.284 --> 00:03:48.950
00:03:48.950 --> 00:03:54.426
00:03:55.609 --> 00:03:56.471
00:03:56.471 --> 00:04:05.610
00:04:05.610 --> 00:04:07.674
00:04:07.674 --> 00:04:18.367
00:04:18.367 --> 00:04:25.692
00:04:25.920 --> 00:04:27.199
00:04:27.199 --> 00:04:35.014
00:04:35.014 --> 00:04:36.846
00:04:36.846 --> 00:04:39.048
00:04:39.048 --> 00:04:47.673
00:04:47.673 --> 00:05:03.091
00:05:03.572 --> 00:05:22.380
00:05:22.380 --> 00:05:49.002
00:05:49.002 --> 00:05:51.064
00:05:51.064 --> 00:06:01.430
00:06:01.430 --> 00:06:03.593
00:06:03.593 --> 00:06:08.596
00:06:08.596 --> 00:06:13.247
00:06:13.648 --> 00:06:19.668
00:06:19.668 --> 00:06:27.747
00:06:27.747 --> 00:06:29.031
00:06:29.031 --> 00:06:33.791
00:06:34.461 --> 00:06:37.550
00:06:37.550 --> 00:06:41.569
00:06:41.569 --> 00:06:44.370
00:06:44.370 --> 00:06:47.300
00:06:47.300 --> 00:06:48.343
00:06:48.343 --> 00:06:59.456
00:06:59.456 --> 00:07:06.552
00:07:06.552 --> 00:07:09.927
00:07:09.927 --> 00:07:23.540
00:07:23.540 --> 00:07:29.052
00:07:29.939 --> 00:07:33.081
00:07:33.081 --> 00:07:39.204
00:07:39.204 --> 00:07:40.464
00:07:40.464 --> 00:07:41.384
00:07:41.384 --> 00:07:42.045
00:07:42.084 --> 00:07:44.966
00:07:44.966 --> 00:07:53.790
00:07:53.790 --> 00:08:01.774
00:08:01.774 --> 00:08:05.415
00:08:05.415 --> 00:08:18.600
00:08:18.600 --> 00:08:20.463
00:08:20.463 --> 00:08:22.004
00:08:22.004 --> 00:08:23.947
00:08:23.947 --> 00:08:26.089
00:08:26.089 --> 00:08:31.696
00:08:31.696 --> 00:08:34.589
00:08:34.589 --> 00:08:37.888
00:08:37.888 --> 00:08:38.548
00:08:38.950 --> 00:08:39.852
00:08:39.852 --> 00:08:47.607
00:08:47.607 --> 00:08:48.471
00:08:48.471 --> 00:08:59.104
00:08:59.325 --> 00:09:00.006
00:09:00.047 --> 00:09:00.729
00:09:00.729 --> 00:09:02.874
00:09:03.054 --> 00:09:03.777
00:09:03.797 --> 00:09:04.018
00:09:04.520 --> 00:09:06.268
00:09:06.268 --> 00:09:12.863
00:09:12.863 --> 00:09:20.461
00:09:20.461 --> 00:09:28.611
00:09:28.611 --> 00:09:30.234
00:09:30.234 --> 00:09:32.135
00:09:32.135 --> 00:09:34.524
00:09:34.524 --> 00:09:35.748
00:09:35.748 --> 00:09:39.121
00:09:39.121 --> 00:09:42.048
00:09:42.708 --> 00:09:52.352
00:09:52.352 --> 00:09:53.965
00:09:53.965 --> 00:09:55.105
00:09:55.105 --> 00:10:02.094
00:10:02.094 --> 00:10:05.028
00:10:05.028 --> 00:10:08.923
00:10:08.923 --> 00:10:11.730
00:10:11.730 --> 00:10:13.153
00:10:13.153 --> 00:10:13.980
00:10:15.784 --> 00:10:17.028
00:10:17.028 --> 00:10:18.211
00:10:18.211 --> 00:10:19.373
00:10:20.360 --> 00:10:29.575
00:10:29.575 --> 00:10:43.508
00:10:44.980 --> 00:10:45.844
00:10:45.844 --> 00:10:47.789
00:10:47.789 --> 00:10:48.881
00:10:48.942 --> 00:10:51.730
00:10:52.679 --> 00:10:54.625
00:10:54.625 --> 00:10:59.780
00:10:59.780 --> 00:11:01.244
00:11:01.244 --> 00:11:03.668
00:11:03.668 --> 00:11:06.773
00:11:06.773 --> 00:11:07.835
00:11:07.835 --> 00:11:10.883
00:11:10.883 --> 00:11:15.464
00:11:16.144 --> 00:11:21.043
00:11:21.043 --> 00:11:22.967
00:11:22.967 --> 00:11:47.562
00:11:47.562 --> 00:12:10.052
00:12:10.052 --> 00:12:11.538
00:12:11.538 --> 00:12:17.941
00:12:17.941 --> 00:12:19.524
00:12:19.524 --> 00:12:20.445
00:12:21.066 --> 00:12:21.988
00:12:21.988 --> 00:12:27.020
00:12:27.581 --> 00:12:28.845
00:12:28.845 --> 00:12:30.467
00:12:30.467 --> 00:12:31.650
00:12:31.650 --> 00:12:35.548
00:12:35.548 --> 00:12:37.072
00:12:37.461 --> 00:12:37.681
00:12:38.602 --> 00:12:44.634
00:12:44.634 --> 00:12:51.801
00:12:51.801 --> 00:12:58.134
00:12:58.134 --> 00:13:01.945
00:13:01.945 --> 00:13:05.692
00:13:05.692 --> 00:13:07.677
00:13:07.677 --> 00:13:09.283
00:13:09.283 --> 00:13:13.972
00:13:13.972 --> 00:13:22.484
00:13:23.024 --> 00:13:33.370
00:13:33.370 --> 00:13:34.552
00:13:34.552 --> 00:13:35.926
00:13:35.926 --> 00:13:37.125
00:13:37.125 --> 00:13:38.524
00:13:38.524 --> 00:13:40.695
00:13:40.695 --> 00:13:42.717
00:13:42.717 --> 00:13:44.299
00:13:44.299 --> 00:13:47.943
00:13:47.943 --> 00:13:51.548
00:13:51.548 --> 00:14:09.514
00:14:11.414 --> 00:14:14.581
00:14:14.600 --> 00:14:15.803
00:14:15.803 --> 00:14:22.760
00:14:22.760 --> 00:14:27.990
00:14:27.990 --> 00:14:29.716
00:14:29.716 --> 00:14:36.798
00:14:37.480 --> 00:14:38.663
00:14:38.663 --> 00:14:40.206
00:14:40.206 --> 00:14:43.883
00:14:43.883 --> 00:14:45.267
00:14:45.346 --> 00:14:54.678
00:14:54.678 --> 00:15:03.282
00:15:03.282 --> 00:15:03.361
00:15:03.361 --> 00:15:12.005
00:15:12.005 --> 00:15:16.025
00:15:16.025 --> 00:15:17.220
00:15:17.279 --> 00:15:19.518
00:15:19.518 --> 00:15:25.763
00:15:26.495 --> 00:15:34.001
00:15:34.001 --> 00:15:38.221
00:15:38.221 --> 00:15:44.504
00:15:44.504 --> 00:15:48.841
00:15:48.841 --> 00:15:51.625
00:15:51.625 --> 00:15:55.360
00:15:55.360 --> 00:15:57.927
00:15:57.927 --> 00:16:00.178
00:16:00.178 --> 00:16:19.186
00:16:19.186 --> 00:16:24.206
00:16:24.206 --> 00:16:27.664
00:16:27.995 --> 00:16:29.077
00:16:29.077 --> 00:16:33.678
00:16:33.678 --> 00:16:35.361
00:16:35.361 --> 00:16:36.203
00:16:36.203 --> 00:16:38.408
00:16:38.408 --> 00:16:39.418
00:16:39.418 --> 00:16:43.154
00:16:43.154 --> 00:16:43.996
00:16:43.996 --> 00:16:46.501
00:16:46.542 --> 00:16:53.121
00:16:53.243 --> 00:16:53.604
00:16:53.783 --> 00:16:54.605
00:16:54.605 --> 00:16:55.246
00:16:55.246 --> 00:17:02.576
00:17:02.798 --> 00:17:05.528
00:17:05.528 --> 00:17:10.181
00:17:10.201 --> 00:17:10.923
00:17:10.923 --> 00:17:14.489
00:17:14.489 --> 00:17:19.626
00:17:19.626 --> 00:17:22.317
00:17:22.317 --> 00:17:24.260
00:17:24.260 --> 00:17:29.789
00:17:29.789 --> 00:17:37.555
00:17:37.555 --> 00:17:41.416
00:17:41.416 --> 00:17:45.058
00:17:45.058 --> 00:17:53.845
00:17:54.884 --> 00:17:59.347
00:17:59.347 --> 00:18:16.601
00:18:16.601 --> 00:18:24.585
00:18:24.585 --> 00:18:25.707
00:18:25.707 --> 00:18:34.500
00:18:34.500 --> 00:18:40.157