Sept. 5, 2025
Your Adult Child's Boundaries are not a Rejection of You
Send us a text Have you ever sent an impulsive text when feeling rejected by your adult child? That desperate "What did I do wrong?" message that you later regretted? You're not alone. The relationship between parents and their adult children exists on a delicate continuum—from deep connection to painful estrangement and everything in between. Dr. Rachel Glick, relationship specialist and author of "A Soulful Marriage," joins us to unpack the complex dynamics of parent-adult child relationsh...
Have you ever sent an impulsive text when feeling rejected by your adult child? That desperate "What did I do wrong?" message that you later regretted? You're not alone. The relationship between parents and their adult children exists on a delicate continuum—from deep connection to painful estrangement and everything in between.
Dr. Rachel Glick, relationship specialist and author of "A Soulful Marriage," joins us to unpack the complex dynamics of parent-adult child relationships. With remarkable insight, she reveals how our own emotional needs can unknowingly sabotage these precious connections. "We can't be a parent when we're depending on our child," she explains, highlighting how our generation's child-centered parenting style paradoxically created more self-centered adults.
The conversation delves into practical wisdom about building emotional maturity—that essential capacity to hold your own pain while simultaneously creating space for your child's perspective. Dr. Glick shares illuminating examples from her own experience as a mother and grandmother, demonstrating how to navigate differences without becoming emotionally reactive. She offers specific guidance on welcoming your child's partner, setting healthy boundaries, and finding the balance between independence and connection.
Perhaps most powerfully, Dr. Glick reframes relationship challenges as opportunities for profound personal growth. "Put energy into seeing what you're experiencing as happening for you, not to you," she advises. This shift in perspective transforms painful interactions into gateways for self-awareness and healing. Whether you're feeling distant from your adult children or simply want to strengthen your connection, this conversation provides compassionate, practical tools for moving forward with both wisdom and love.
Play along with guest contestants from the education world. Laugh some & learn some...
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00:00 - Nurturing individuality and connection
00:57 - Introduction to Dr. Rachel Glick
06:29 - Welcoming new family members gracefully
10:02 - The rise of "toxic" relationships
16:37 - Finding strength during emotional pain
21:06 - [Ad] The Education News Comedy Quiz -- Some of the Above
21:54 - (Cont.) Finding strength during emotional pain
28:07 - The problem with overgiving
36:41 - Building relationships through mutual respect
44:52 - Final thoughts and takeaways
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We can't be a parent when we're depending on our child, even as an adult.
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We're here to nurture their unique individuality in the world and nurture the connection.
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But you can nurture the connection in a balanced way, even with a lot of differences.
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Especially when they feel supported, they're much more willing to find that common ground.
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Hey everyone, when they feel supported, they're much more willing to find that common ground.
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Speak with experts, share heartfelt stories and get timely advice addressing topics that matter most to you.
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Get ready to dive deep and learn to build and nurture deep connections with our adult children and, of course, when, to bite our tongues.
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So let's get started.
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Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Bite your Tongue, the podcast.
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I promised you, my listeners, that we will be bringing you only the best interviews, and today is another one.
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On our last interview with Dr Gibson, I shared the joy of welcoming my first grandchild in April.
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Spending three weeks with my daughter and her husband was mostly magical, though there were moments when I felt I may have overstayed my welcome.
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I have sort of a strong personality.
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Anyway, during my visit, I came across a compelling article in the Wall Street Journal by Dr Rachel Glick, titled what I Tell Mothers who Feel Rejected by their Adult Children.
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While I didn't feel rejected, the article resonated with me, prompting me to invite Dr Glick to join us on this podcast and for this conversation.
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She's a relationship specialist.
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It always seems these relationship specialists, whatever the relationships they are dealing with, are the best guests on this podcast.
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She's a licensed professional counselor in St Louis with a doctorate in counseling and a master's in psychology.
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She's been featured on NBC News, has published article in the Wall Street Journal, psychology Today and CNBC.
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One producer said and I love this Dr Glick gets to the heart of what we deal with every day, our relationships with ourself and with others.
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And remember, dr Gibson talked a lot about that too, our relationship with ourselves, and that's what we all need, because talked a lot about that too, our relationship with ourselves.
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And that's what we all need, because, of course, each of us, at one time or another, have stepped over the line with our adult children.
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So let's get started.
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Welcome, dr Glick.
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I'm so happy to have you with us.
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I was so taken by your May article in the Wall Street Journal.
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There was a headline and then there was a subheading and it said I witness a lot of pain as a therapist, but there is nothing like the sorrow of a mother estranged from her child.
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And I feel like estrangement can be a lot of things.
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It doesn't completely mean that your child's just not talking to you.
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I think mothers, and probably fathers, feel this pain even if they're not estranged, as their adult children are setting more boundaries as they pull away and start their own lives, as some of their life choices are completely different than anything they were raised with.
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So I don't want to stick completely with estrangement.
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I want to talk mostly about relationship with estrangement, in and out of it.
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Does that make sense.
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I think it's very insightful because the experience is much more on a continuum.
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There's this sense of rejection, of letting go, of feeling cut off in a certain way.
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Even if you're close and connected in other ways, you can still have this feeling of loss and of fear that you will lose the connection as well.
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I think that's so true.
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So I want to start with you telling us how you got involved in working in this area, and I want you to share a little bit about your book, because I didn't mention in the intro and I'd like everyone to know about your new book.
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Yes, people start to come to me based on the need, and the need started growing with.
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That's how I became a relationship counselor and that's what the basis of a soulful marriage is the four pillars to thriving in your relationship or healing your relationship and that was based on the need, was there.
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The couples just were coming, and then a similar trend has been going on in the past 30 years and increasing more recently, with adult children and or the parent or both of them needing help to navigate their relationship.
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I remember being much more careful with my own children as they were becoming grown and we welcomed new their partners into the family, because I watched so many ruptures.
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Based on how that was handled, I started writing blogs about it.
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I have a before I wrote for the Wall Street Journal.
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I wrote a few things as well in my own personal blog.
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I go on Fox 2 in St Louis, and so I was doing several segments and they just got picked up by the algorithms and I started getting phone calls.
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This was maybe about eight years ago started getting phone calls from people all over the country, even all over the world, like desperate for help with it.
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It just became a more growing specialty and there's so much potential for growth that happens in these ruptures and so it's a passion of mine to help, partly because it's so painful and wanting to help in any way I can with the kind of pain.
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But I also see it as this gateway for growth that people wouldn't really pursue personal or spiritual growth if it wasn't for this pain they're in.
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I think that hits the nail right on the head, because I feel that when I interviewed Lindsay Gibson, she talked a lot about self-awareness and that's all about you're continuing to grow.
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You sort of hit your 60s or 70s and you start thinking I've done it all, but really you have to continue to develop yourself.
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When you're changing relationships with whoever it is around you, when your husband retires, when your children marry, everything changes in all of those kinds of ways.
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So I love this idea of it's a gateway.
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You feel this pain and you can't just sit on it.
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You need to work on it.
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So you said something recently and this wasn't something I was even going to talk about, but you said when your kids started taking on spouses and people you talk to and the way things could be ruptured.
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When that starts happening, tell us what you think are the best ways.
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When your child brings home someone that's going to be their new spouse, welcoming to the family, what are the ways that works and what are the ways that don't work?
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family.
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What are the ways that works and what are the ways that don't work?
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It's a very, very sensitive subject because you have to also, you know, not be totally on the side.
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If you're concerned about something, you also have a place as a parent to maybe share a concern.
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But generally speaking, you want to start with curiosity and have an awareness of empathy for what it's like to come into a family.
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Try to remember what it was like for you if you were one of those in that stage of your life, so that you can really make the person feel welcome.
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That is the main thing that you're happy that they're there, you're interested in the person and that you also respect a gradual shift in that person, kind of becoming more important to your child than you are in terms of.
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Don't assume that because you've always done it this way as a family, you have to factor in now, especially as the partner becomes more part of their lives, you know how does that work for them also.
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Yeah, I think that's very, very true.
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My kids tell me I act I'm too curious, I ask too many questions, and I think the one thing you said that really resonated with me is that person becomes more important in their life than you are, and that's hard as a parent of an adult child, and it's not all or nothing.
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Like I was saying at the beginning of this particular question.
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It also isn't to be so laissez-faire that you don't have conversations about it, but you really want to have those conversations to ask them what they think, how this might look down the road, what is important to you and how can you see yourself growing with this person, right?
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that's really good.
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Are there things in your relationship that you do think you would want to talk about that might be a potential clash in the future, but do you want to also be a sounding board?
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And the more accepting and less judgmental and less influencing we are of them, that we communicate, that we trust them to make good decisions, then they tend to feel more comfortable to process with us.
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And that makes sense.
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That's a hard, hard thing to do.
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It is extremely hard and each child is unique.
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So, like my firstborn, you have to wait for her to do.
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It is extremely hard and each child is unique.
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So, like my firstborn, there's like you have to wait for her to ask you know like I'm the same way with my firstborn but my second one, I can almost say anything.
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Exactly, I think that is kind of common All right.
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So something you said earlier about the increase in this and you say in your article that shifts in how we talk about mental health the whining divides in politics and culture seem to be inspiring a growing number of young people to drop any relationship they see as toxic.
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So I'd like you to expand on that.
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And what's toxic?
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Yeah Well, it's like a word that we hear a lot, Right, that it's not growth promoting, it doesn't.
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You don't feel validated in the relationship where you feel that you know it's emotionally distressing and everybody's unique with the level that they can tolerate of that.
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It can be like triggering.
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If there's, you know, trauma or of messaging you got growing up that made you feel less than or unloved or not right with who you are.
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Then it also being in an environment environment if any criticism can be received by the adult child as more reminder of shame and feeling less than, and so that becomes a toxic environment.
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It can be the way that person handles their emotions the parent there's a lot of parents who unfortunately have intergenerational trauma and they have their own kind of harmful ways of trying to cope with their emotions that they are having trouble regulating and that can come across as very and violence a little strong, but like really loud and boisterous and scary and out of control.
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That can feel toxic.
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Why are we seeing such an increase in this?
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I think that there's more like anecdotally increases.
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I don't think the research yet is showing this, but they're working.
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I think they're going to see it the more the research unfolds.
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I think the culture of therapy has a lot of pluses, but there's also a shadow side of therapy.
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But a lot of the pluses of therapy is that a lot of adult children are normalized to go to therapy and they reparent themselves and they individuate and they differentiate and they start to have somebody hold space for them, for them to you know, good therapy helps you parent yourself, reparent yourself, but you have somebody who is helping you to understand what it looks like to be treated in a way that feels good and what healthy boundaries are in a relationship, and empowering you to make decisions in your life that feel good and what healthy boundaries are in a relationship, and empowering you to make decisions in your life that feel good, for you to be your own unique individual, whereas a lot of families are trying to still make people be the way you want them to be.
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That's human nature, because we want to have that closeness and you think it's the right thing, and there's a lot of lack of self-awareness.
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So I think therapy is a big factor in this.
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That is kind of a tipping point of individuals adult children in particular realizing that okay, there is another way and I can choose my life.
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I can choose what feels good for me.
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I don't have to keep accepting behavior or culture or scenarios that don't serve me well.
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And then the shadow side is it can go too far, in my opinion, and it makes you more self-focused and not considering the context of how it affects everyone else and the grace and the mercy that we're all on a journey.
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Sometimes therapy can overemphasize personal pain and overlook the context of the whole system and the humanness and the fragility and the vulnerability of every human being.
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I love that because I see that a lot.
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It's a lot of the me generation and I think our generation of parenting also contributed to that, because we were all about their feelings and I've said this in other episodes and I think we're wondering why this is happening, but that's exactly how we parented.
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It's so true.
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So it's a therapy culture is positive, but it has totally.
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We have more child-centered families now, which has some positives started in the 60s and it's grown, but it makes kids more like self-centered, and I don't mean this judgmentally, it's an affliction we've given them.
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I remember once when we studied the wisdom of Kabbalah my husband and I and that's where we learned a lot of these tools to help kids feel empowered and have a sense of earnership at a young age and respect their parents not because we need the respect, but because they get their energy from their source.
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And I remember that there was a jazz concert that my son was going to have that they changed the date, which then became a conflict with an event I was hosting to help other people learn, you know, how to improve their lives, and I felt such a pull.
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I was being advised by my teacher, my Kabbalah teacher, that no, this is an opportunity to teach, that it's not just about them, that they can actually help support you as well.
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I mean, he was a teenager, a young teen, and I saw how much we can actually teach children selfishness.
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Yeah, we really can.
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I think we've done a lot of that.
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So in your article, I love the story you told about this one mother, Marjorie.
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I think we all could relate to Marjorie she was feeling distant from her son and suddenly she started doing all these impulsive texts.
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I didn't sleep last night.
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I'm really worried about you not talking to me.
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What did I do?
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That was wrong?
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You know, blah, blah, blah.
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And there's not a mother in the world that hasn't wanted to send those texts.
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It's the holding back.
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You talk about strength, and I want to get into this whole place of strength.
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How do we stop ourselves?
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We're hurting so bad.
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Maybe they've said something on the phone that was either hurtful or didn't resonate.
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You don't want to call back, but you want to say what's going on.
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But mothers have this kind of you know, let go go to.
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So how do we build this?
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strength.
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Yes, and it's really about being in two places at the same time.
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It's a tall order to ask of ourselves as mothers, because there's such a deep soul to soul connection that there is an intertwining of self on some level even more with mothers.
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Many people report this in lots of different approaches.
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So, yes, we feel this oneness and deep connection and sense of purpose and as part of who we are, and then all of a sudden we have to start letting go, which is like unthinkable, like what do you mean?
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But one of the things that is helpful is to start, even when they're younger, if you can, to start detaching and have your own sense of self and catch yourself with how often you're thinking about them or worrying about them or basing your well-being on whether they're okay with you or in general, and so that's kind of a slow trickle have other things, other energy you bring into your life that's independent of them, and then from there, I think it's also really important to get support, whether it's in therapy or a spiritual path or friendships or reading or listening to this podcast that you really start developing more.
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It can be called emotional maturity that sounds a little cold, but where you start to expand your capacity to hold pain and embrace pain and be in the discomfort of pain.
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And because we are such a, we have two parts of us.
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We have an ego and we have, like, a higher part of us.
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You can call the core self or the soul, but the ego is all about instant gratification.
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If I'm feeling uncomfortable, I'm going to fix it now and that gets us into a lot of trouble so building and cultivating our capacity, the muscle for sitting with it.
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I'm uncomfortable right now.
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I like to focus for me on my body.
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What is my body feeling?
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Oh, I feel this sinking inside.
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I think you know.
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Maybe it's shame, maybe I feel less than, or I'm afraid I'm going to be alone.
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Like we can go to such irrational places with one, like funny ending to a phone call, or like leaving, needing to leave early, or it isn't what I expected, or a change in plans from our children because it didn't work for them and we had this idea of how this whole event was going to go.
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It can create irrational, like trauma almost, or irrational fears and emotional pain.
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Don't judge yourself for that, but you want to listen to what is?
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It Be curious, like there's the story and then there's what is the story about?
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Give me an example.
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Give me an example.
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Something is coming up in my with that just happened.
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Okay, my, I have a grandson now, so it's similar to you, right, he's two, so I'm a little bit more seasoned.
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Yeah, you're much further, much further ahead than I am.
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Yes.
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So we were invited them to come with us to go to you know a resort town in Michigan for the fourth and, which is unusual, that they were able to go and that you know my daughter and her wife and our grandson are going to come.
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Now some things have changed in their life and we're getting little messages that I don't think they're going to come.
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You know it's not looking like it's going to support them in their life.
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It's a small thing but it can feel like a big thing.
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That can create a lot of problems in relationships when you don't first sit with how that feels relationships, when you don't first sit with how that feels Like.
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I noticed that I felt sad, like I had this whole vision.
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I was watching other.
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The last time we were there I was watching other people at the beach with their families.
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You know I had this whole schema and how disappointing that would be for me.
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So I had to go through the process of taking care of that myself and not centering my feelings and my needs and expectations and putting them on my daughter when she's telling me this, especially not initially.
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So then I just listened.
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Within it's that self-awareness and that self-soothing.
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I honored the feeling I honored that yeah, that would be disappointing.
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I also honored the perspective part of me that knows like, in the scheme of things, this is normal, this is healthy and this is also probably for the good for you.
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Maybe it's good for you and my husband to have more time together, or maybe this is also good for me because I'm learning how to be flexible even more.
00:17:47.378 --> 00:17:57.487
And so you know, looking, just having the mindset that I'm looking for not seeing why this is happening to me, but how this is happening for me.
00:17:58.548 --> 00:18:02.945
So moving away from your own ego, really, because your own ego was hurt a little bit.
00:18:02.945 --> 00:18:05.913
My ego was hurt, yeah, and I struggle with that a lot.
00:18:05.913 --> 00:18:08.346
I just think why aren't they thinking about me?
00:18:08.346 --> 00:18:09.608
This was really hurtful.
00:18:10.029 --> 00:18:12.375
Yes, exactly, and things have changed.
00:18:12.375 --> 00:18:15.605
I know, when my kids were born, my mother was like right there.
00:18:15.605 --> 00:18:18.392
But when my grandson was born, they wanted space.
00:18:18.392 --> 00:18:22.248
It's so different, and so I had to deal with all of those feelings.
00:18:22.248 --> 00:18:38.810
But if I didn't work on the emotional maturity part of myself and I put my feelings and my needs and I centered myself, I would have pushed them away and it would have been selfish, it would have been hurtful to them, and then I can't be there when they do need me, because they feel unsafe to come close, because I'm going to make it about me.
00:18:38.810 --> 00:18:49.509
So, the more we can like, hold space for them and and of course, at some point yes, it's a mutual and you want to share your feelings and needs too.
00:18:49.509 --> 00:18:50.270
It's not about.
00:18:50.651 --> 00:18:51.731
How do you do that, though?
00:18:51.731 --> 00:18:53.232
I mean, I think that's the hardest thing.
00:18:53.232 --> 00:19:03.501
I don't mean to interrupt you, but, as you're saying this and I've had similar situations and I've worked on myself my emotional maturity but what I really want to say is get with the program.
00:19:03.501 --> 00:19:09.065
I'm your mother, suck it up.
00:19:09.065 --> 00:19:09.486
I'm not perfect.
00:19:09.486 --> 00:19:10.406
Remember when you said you were coming?
00:19:10.406 --> 00:19:11.167
We've put deposits down in the hotel.
00:19:11.167 --> 00:19:11.268
What?
00:19:11.288 --> 00:19:11.608
are you thinking?
00:19:11.628 --> 00:19:16.715
I mean I would never say that, but there's a part of me that wants to say what is the problem here?
00:19:16.715 --> 00:19:20.760
So when can you start saying a little bit about how you're feeling?
00:19:21.744 --> 00:19:25.875
Well, if you're in a rift and you're in a rupture, and then not at all Never.
00:19:26.096 --> 00:19:26.277
Right.
00:19:26.525 --> 00:19:27.647
And there's a lot of like.
00:19:27.647 --> 00:19:36.246
I always say like your adult child is the customer, you know, like, even in couples, like Everyone says that I can, everyone says that yes, and there's a step-by-step process.
00:19:36.246 --> 00:19:39.674
That's not forever and it's not all the way all the time.
00:19:39.674 --> 00:19:41.387
So it's really subtle, these nuances.
00:19:41.387 --> 00:19:46.467
That's why I like, that's why it's so important to have more people who understand that it's.
00:19:46.467 --> 00:19:49.900
It's not just your classic family counseling situation.
00:19:49.900 --> 00:19:52.848
There's so many nuances to this, so many.
00:19:53.349 --> 00:20:00.053
So when there's a strong rupture and it's similar with a couple either, the partner who's pulling away, just it's not fair.
00:20:00.053 --> 00:20:01.998
We have to let go of logic and justice.
00:20:01.998 --> 00:20:10.690
We have to go with just what am I being called to right now, for the sake of this relationship and for the sake of my growth?
00:20:10.690 --> 00:20:13.655
To trust that you're where you need to be.
00:20:13.655 --> 00:20:15.022
It's a choice you make, it's an axiom.
00:20:15.022 --> 00:20:15.201
You know that.
00:20:15.141 --> 00:20:15.846
Like to choose to trust that you're where you need to be, it's a choice you make, it's an axiom.
00:20:15.846 --> 00:20:16.306
You know that.
00:20:16.306 --> 00:20:24.997
Like to choose to trust that the universe is a friendly place and that, even if I don't like where I am, there's something of benefit for me and otherwise I wouldn't be here.
00:20:24.997 --> 00:20:30.998
Something to put it back into balance in myself and my whole family system and my lineage.
00:20:30.998 --> 00:20:37.307
And so you know, trying to embrace it and not blame, and trying and stop rejecting it, be in the present moment.
00:20:37.307 --> 00:20:46.973
And then, when it comes to holding space for for the one who is feeling like they need to pull away, is, first of all, as a parent.
00:20:46.973 --> 00:20:50.929
There's a lot of approaches that appreciate how we are.
00:20:50.929 --> 00:21:06.976
We always came first, we were always their source, so it's appropriate for us to hold space for them, and when there's a rupture or when we're navigating their unique individuality, we really want to overcome our ego's propensity to think that we created them for me.
00:21:06.976 --> 00:21:08.608
No, we created them for the world.
00:21:09.490 --> 00:21:10.314
That's a great line.
00:21:10.314 --> 00:21:11.256
That's a great line.
00:21:11.256 --> 00:21:16.913
So what I'm hearing here this just came to my mind you're valuing the relationship over yourself.
00:21:16.913 --> 00:21:18.896
Yes, exactly.
00:21:18.997 --> 00:21:22.892
And their own development and looking at what this could be for your own development.
00:21:22.892 --> 00:21:25.487
And then you're in and you have to repair.
00:21:25.487 --> 00:21:30.666
Like you know, it depends if it's, if it's like day-to-day stuff and you want to handle it appropriately.
00:21:30.666 --> 00:21:35.974
You you'd still similar, but not as extreme, where you still want to hold space and listen to them first.
00:21:35.974 --> 00:21:38.259
So tell me more about what's going on.
00:21:38.259 --> 00:21:40.627
Yeah, like, yeah, you're, I can see you have so much going on.
00:21:40.647 --> 00:21:56.362
Tell me what you're thinking and then let them know that you can hold them in a way that you're not going to make make it crowded in the room where they can't share their feelings with you because you're going to be putting yours in the room so loud that they can't even share themselves or they're going to feel guilty.
00:21:56.362 --> 00:21:58.185
You know that they're making upsetting.
00:21:58.185 --> 00:22:03.446
You want to liberate them, to live the life for them and they, paradoxically, will want to come closer to you.
00:22:04.450 --> 00:22:05.553
Can I say that one more time If?
00:22:05.752 --> 00:22:43.219
you, if they if, if, if children, and if you haven't overgiven that's another side thing that overgiving is a problem in our society but if they feel the genuine sense that you can resist the urge to make yourself the center and make it about you and what you need and you're not guilting them, and they really feel that you want what's best for their well-being, their unique path, and they feel spacious in that way, they feel safe, that they can really turn to you because you're not going to make it crowded and make too many needs in the room and not their own, then paradox is they'll feel safe with you and they're going to come to you more.
00:22:44.101 --> 00:22:44.560
Interesting.
00:22:44.560 --> 00:22:46.529
Okay, you sort of slipped something in there.
00:22:46.529 --> 00:22:48.576
I want to hear more about Too much giving.
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I see that all the time and I'm guilty.
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